Teens are going to experiment, and we should be safe about it
The Prevention Action Alliance are the most ostrich-in-the-sand people in America, and I’ll get to that in a moment, but first, I’d like to announce my house is going to be the hangout house. Not for you - no, I don’t want you at my house unless you’re really hot and my wife gives me the OK, but that’s a column for another day. I’m talking about my kids. I want my house to be the house everyone congregates at. I want my house to be the center of my kids’ friends’ world.
And you know what? Not only is it going to happen, it’s already happening. My oldest, an 11-year-old boy, has discovered the outside universe. He’s out on his bike, hanging with friends, doing the 11-year-old thing.
And our house - well, due to COVID and all, our backyard - is becoming ground zero for his adventures. So much so, a few Friday nights ago, he informed me he was “having a party,” to which I said, “no you’re not,” to which he said, “OK,” to which I said, “OK then,” all proud of myself.
Two hours later, him and his buddy had two girls in the backyard and a fire going.
o you know how old I was when I had two girls, a buddy, and a fire going? (Actually, I’m still waiting. Anyway …)
Anyway, it was pretty awesome. I liked it, liked being the house at the center of it all, liked knowing my son was both safe and having a great time.
And at age 11, it’s all so innocent.
Then I started doing the math. It’s not going to be so innocent in a few years. I remember being 14, having my first beer in my friend Matt’s laundry room, then two more, then riding my ten-speed down a hill back home. I also remember being 17, fake ID, boozing it up every weekend at someone’s house whose parents were away. I remember drinking, driving, the whole thing.
Do I want my kids following in my footsteps? Hell no. But I’m also not an idiot, and I know how to read statistics - namely, the fact that in any 30-day period, one out of three high school students throw back a few Bartles & Jaymes. (‘Memba those?)
Back in my bad ol’ days, there was one respite from the stupidity: Julie and Karen’s house. Their parents let us drink at their house. Predictably, it became *the* hangout spot. You know what else they did? Took everyone’s keys. We were safe there. No drinking and driving, and actual, honest-to-goodness adults keeping an eye on the goings-on to make sure nothing terrible or tragic occurred.
To me, this makes very good sense: Kids are going to drink. Having them drink in a place where they are supervised and can’t drive seems preferable than having them be god knows where and then getting behind the wheel. You would think we would encourage this; you know, if your kids are going to drink, at least have them drink under adult supervision.
But nope. In fact, it’s the exact opposite.
Enter, The Prevention Action Alliance and their “Parents Who Host Lose the Most” campaign. And what is this campaign? Well, it’s ostrich-head-inthe-sand levels of ridiculousness, as I mentioned. It’s also dumb. From their website: “A public health media campaign designed by Prevention Action Alliance, Parents Who Host Lose The Most helps you prevent underage drinking in your community. It reinforces everyone’s responsibility to promote healthy choices in your community. Its key message reminds parents that it is unsafe, unhealthy, and unacceptable—and, in many communities, illegal—to provide alcohol for underage youth. It decreases young people’s access to alcohol by reducing the number of parents willing to provide alcohol for young people. Over time, it reduces the likelihood teens will drink alcohol and suffer the health effects that come from underage drinking.”
Also: Unicorns poop strawberries.
One thing I know, from deep experience, is if kids want to drink, they’re going to find a way. All this campaign is doing is helping to ensure they won’t be doing it in a safe manner.
Of course, here in New Jersey, if you get nabbed “hosting” an alcohol-infused get-together for your teenagers, you’re screwed. Fines, jail time, civil liability, the list goes on.
So as parents, we’re faced with a choice when it comes to teenagers and alcohol consumption: Either risk your financial life and your freedom by hosting, or risk their lives by not hosting.
Call me crazy, but wouldn’t my way be better? Responsible adults allowing kids to experiment under lock and key?
So yes. When the day comes - and I hope it doesn’t, but I’m also not an idiot - my son and his friends want to see what happens when they get their hands on a six-pack, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure the event happens in my backyard. Come and arrest me.