Here’s 20 COVID phrases I hope to never hear again
Well, the pandemic portion of the program is coming to and end - thankfully - and so I think it’s finally safe to release my Top 20 Coronavirus Phrases I Hope To Never Hear Again. In no particular order ...
1) “You’re on mute.” Every single time I’ve been on a Zoom call, be it for work or pleasure, someone forgets to unmute themselves when they talk, causing the other person to say, “You’re on mute.” Time has not abated this. Still happens. Every time.
2) “Are you on mute?” This is said by people - usually family members who are not on the Zoom call who want to say something nasty about someone who is on the Zoom call. Goes like this:
ME: Are you on mute? MY WIFE: Yes.
ME: Is that Freda? MY WIFE: Yes.
ME: Freda is an idiot. 3) “Is the camera on?” Again, almost always said by a family member who is not on Zoom to another family member who is on Zoom. Usually asked when walking about the house in your underwear.
4) “The camera is on!!!” Always said by the family member on Zoom to an underwear-clad family member who forgot to ask, “Is the camera on?”
5) “Go get a mask.” Parents, to kids, every single time you leave the house.
6) “Here’s a mask.” Parents, to kids, every single time they don’t get a mask when you tell them to.
7) “Where’s your mask?” Parents to kids before they get out of the car.
8) “Daddy, your mask.” Kids to dads every time dads get out of the car and forget to put their mask on.
9) “What do you want for dinner?” The most banal of domestic questions, made even worse during the height of lockdowns because dinner was the only thing we had to look forward to all day.
10) “Who are you talking to?” Jealous spouses to their husband/wife. Not jealous because they think there’s something nefarious going on; jealous because they were talking with a human who doesn’t live in the same house.
11) “Is there anything good on Netflix?” Nope. We’ve watched everything. All of it. We found the end of Netflix.
12) “How are you?” What you ask people you aren’t that close with when you run into them, usually with a furrowed brow. It’s not the “hey, how are ya?!?!” we used to ask. This is a more somber, methodical, Christopher Walken-esqe “How; are, you?”
13) “You know.” What everyone answers to the “how; are, you” question.
14) “Go outside.” Parents to kids every time they picked up their iPad, Xbox, phone, whatever.
15) “But you’re on your phone all day!” Kids to parents, when told to go outside.
16) “It’s cold!” Everyone, once they went outside.
17) “Why is this house always a mess?” Every single mother of children aged 1-18, minimum three times a day.
18) “Well, the CDC says …” I hear the letters “CDC,” I automatically take two Tylenol and lie down nowadays.
19) “Sheeple.” Thankfully, I only see this on social media, written by people who are deciding to not take the vaccine. Welp, to them, I simply say this: “Baaaaaaaa.”
And lastly ...
20) “Have you seen the Holderness Family’s new video?” Me to my wife, about 6,000 times. They are hilarious, though. And good looking to boot. Clever as all git-out. I wish I was hilarious, good looking, and clever. Well, maybe after all this is over I’ll ... BONUS!
21) “I’ll start when this is over.” Everybody, about everything.