Man’s presence in porn video worries ex-friend

DEAR AMY >> I was close friends with a woman, “B,” for 10 years. Around six months ago, our friendship began to unravel because of her sudden racism, spreading rumors about me, her husband being incredibly grossly sexual toward me, her narcotic addictions, and the amount of time I spent watching her children while she and her husband were in the next room, fighting.

Leaving that friendship was the best thing I could have ever done. The minute I began to focus on bettering my own life, everything fell into place. A few weeks ago, a mutual friend sent me a link to a pornographic video that involved her husband and a different woman.

I was stunned, grossed out, and my first thought was, “OMG, we have to tell her. Since I don’t have a relationship with her, I asked our friend to deliver the bad news — but she does not want to. I emailed the website hosting the video and asked them to take it down. It seemed wrong for this to be put online. Regardless of how awful he is, he doesn’t deserve that, nor does his wife — or the woman in the video.

The website responded that unless I was a participant (and could prove it) they couldn’t take it down.

This could ruin a lot of lives. His wife works in marketing, where image is everything.

I just feel like it would be weird to email her out of the blue with this really bad news. Plus, she will definitely shoot the messenger.

I would want someone to tell me, but I also don’t talk to her. I don’t want to be dragged into her wild drama or somehow get blamed for this.

I just don’t want to see this ruin her life.

— Upset and Worried

DEAR UPSET >> The person to contact is the person who is actually in the video, not his wife. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you to do that.

Why should his behavior harm her reputation, and how can she alter or fix what he has done? (It shouldn’t, and she can’t.)

So far, this video has been shared through a mutual friend; don’t attempt to solve this problem by spreading it further, and don’t involve more people. Put this information into the hands of the person who has the greatest incentive (and the responsibility) to deal with it.

If this was uploaded without his (and the other person’s), knowledge and permission, then - yes - he should contact the site’s administrator and insist that it be removed.