Debt burden delays possible proposal

DEAR AMY >> I am in my first long-term relationship as an adult (I am 31).

My boyfriend of two years told me that he will not propose to me until I pay off my debt.

I had acquired medical bills and a few credit card debts before we met. I owe $14,000 to creditors.

He said he doesn’t want to go into marriage in debt.

I understand that, but he is acting like he will not propose until all of my debts are settled.

That is going to take about another year.

How would you take this?

I appreciate any honesty that comes my way.

— Only the Girlfriend?

DEAR GIRLFRIEND >> Debt, spending, and money management problems are very high on the list of stressors that break up relationships.

More important even than the debt you carry, is how you each respond to it.

Is your guy angry, judgmental, and controlling about your money choices? Or is he trying to approach this honestly, calmly, and as a team?

If he is angry and controlling, then this is a very bright red flag. If he is calm, supportive, and nonjudgmental, then I want to marry him.

So, wake up. Your adulthood is calling.

You two have already taken an extremely important step, by communicating honestly about this.

If you can retire $14,000 worth of debt in a year, I’d say that you are being impressively proactive, and that you are lucky to have a high enough income (and low enough expenses) to lose this burden relatively quickly.

After you’ve paid off your debt, you can then take the extra money that has been going toward payments each month and become an aggressive and responsible saver.

I appreciate money manager Suze Orman’s advocacy for financial literacy. You might benefit from reading her book,

“The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke (2007, Riverhead).

DEAR AMY >> “Three Daughters” were feeling estranged from Dad after Mom died and he was dating someone new. In their eyes, this person was creating a wedge in the family.

Your response was to be supportive of Dad and to let him make his own choices.

My wife and her sister are in a similar position, with one glaring twist.

Their dad is 75 years of age, and she is 29.

Is your same advice applicable?

— Dan

DEAR DAN >> Yes. It is vital that family members do everything possible in order to stay close to their elder so that he does not become isolated from them.

Your father-in-law has the right to engage in an inappropriate, unhealthy relationship.

Family members have few options. Questions about their father’s mental capacity and estate should be taken to an attorney.