Long-term engagement brings on frustration

DEAR AMY >> I’m

55 years old. I’ve been engaged to a 44-year- old man since 2013. After seven years spent with the both of us living with his parents, he keeps saying that he wants to get married. We have even planned a small wedding a couple of times, but he never goes through with it.

I love this man totally, but I’m just not happy with the current living situation.

How do I get him to understand — or should I walk away?

— Torn

DEAR TORN >> Your guy already understands you. He knows what you want.

He obviously does not want the same thing.

When you’re wrapped up in a relationship with a very long history (such as yours), things can seem quite complicated, but never forget this very simple fact: The great majority of the time, people do what they want to do.

Take a good 360- degree look at your situation with this thought: “People do what they want to do.”

(Go ahead and circle the room; I’ll wait.)

Your guy likes things just as they are. How many times must he demonstrate that he likes things as they are in order for you to believe him?

And why would you continue to want to marry someone who quite obviously does not want to marry you? I assume it is because you also like — or at least can tolerate — things just as they are.

You are 55 years old. Your choices are to either get with the program and choose to spend the rest of your life engaged and cohabiting with your guy’s parents, or to leave. But — because YOU have this choice, you don’t get to blame him for your unhappiness.

DEAR AMY >> I feel like a selfish jerk, but I am only one of two in my generation in my family. I have a cousin, “Stella,” who I believe is at least mildly senile.

Stella and I talk by phone — she does not use any technology more advanced than that. I find our conversations pretty painful — she is repetitive and sometimes argumentative. I know she is lonely.

Am I obligated to keep in touch with her?

— Surviving Cousin

DEAR COUSIN >> You are not obligated to contact your cousin, and yet you should, anyway. Coach yourself before a call. Ask questions, prompt her to talk about the past if she wants to, don’t contradict her, breathe, and be patient. If it would help you, you could set a timer so the call isn’t too open- ended.

Remind yourself that you are contacting her out of kindness. Being patient, nice, and kind to her will make you feel good. After a call, pat yourself on the back.