Wife wants husband to stop being nosy

DEAR AMY >> My husband is taking a company “buyout” this summer, thus retiring from his job.

The concern I have is that he is nosy! He has done things in the past that have upset me and my children

(he is their stepdad).

He seems to think he is entitled to go through their rooms and poke through their things, under the guise of cleaning.

He has taken toys out of my son’s room and given them to our grandchildren without asking. He rearranged my daughter’s room while she was at school, and she came back home to a completely re-arranged room.

While helping my daughter’s boyfriend, I caught him going through a box of papers in the back of the boyfriend’s car. I told him that these things were none of his business and his reply was, “It is if I make it my business.”

My kids have given us no cause to go through their rooms — no drinking/smoking/stealing or other causes for snooping.

My daughter has since graduated from college and is heading toward graduate school.

My husband has poked around their rooms for years regardless of me telling him that they are older and deserve their privacy. He should not be going through their things!

My son doesn’t clean the way he likes, so he uses that as an excuse to go into his room.

I’m concerned that when he’s retired and at home, he’s most likely going to be going through things he has no right to rifle through.

I know that if I confront him with this worry, he’ll get angry, as he always does.

Any suggestions?

— Pre-retirement Jitters Wife

DEAR JITTERS >> Evidently, there isn’t any way for you to advocate for your children’s very reasonable right to privacy without your husband becoming angry, so let him be angry.

I can’t think of any loving spouse who enjoys confronting their partner about a recurring and challenging issue, but if you are too afraid of your husband’s anger to address his entitled and disrespectful habit, then this is a real red flag regarding your relationship.

In fact, the person who rearranges a young woman’s room without asking and who goes through and gives away his stepson’s property, sounds like a bully who believes he can make anything “his business,” and who rules the roost through intimidation.

I could imagine that your son might want to install a lock on his bedroom door, but given that he does not actually own the house (or his bedroom), the better option would be for him to search for other housing. In the meantime, you should urge him to store anything deeply personal or private off-site.

And yes, every time you witness your husband violating your (or someone else’s) privacy, you should call him on it. If you are too afraid of his anger to talk to him about this, then this is not someone you should be cohabiting with in retirement, when he will have much more time on his hands.