Ex-boyfriend seeks repentance

DEAR AMY » A couple of months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me.

She was right to do this.

I was unemployed at the time and took out my frustration on her, sometimes in psychologically cruel ways.

I have no excuses for that and have since come to feel profoundly remorseful for my behavior.

I desperately want — need — to make amends and earn her forgiveness.

The problem is, I don’t know how to do that, because she told me to never contact her again.

I have to respect her wishes, but my guilt is killing me.

I’ve been worrying about making amends and trying to find ways to repent.

So, I guess my question is, how do you go about doing that? Can you?

— Trying to Repent

DEAR TRYINI » Youcan— and do — feel genuine remorse for your behavior. Repentance is the act of recognizing, accepting, and feeling remorse or contrition, making a commitment to change, and then ... changing.

According to you, you’ve done all of these things. If so, you have both repented and also earned your former girlfriend’s forgiveness.

(Is she now required to grant you forgiveness? No.)

The way to make amends is to change your behavior in ways that would demonstrate that you are a changed person, in order to behave differently in the future.

If you have done these things, then you’re good.

What you should NOT do is to contact this person and report on all of your life and character improvements. She has asked you not to contact her, and part of your repentance should be to demonstrate that you can respect her wishes. For some people after insisting on no contact, even receiving an apology can seem like a further offense; if she reaches out to you, you should be sincere.

Go forth and do differently. Let that be your reward.

DEAR AMY » Like other readers, I am very disappointed that you shamed the mom who signed her letter “Blank Slate” for being an “inadequate parent.”

This woman was obviously in a tough situation, and you made things worse for her.

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED »

This mother abandoned her child, moved to another state, and was now surrendering her parental rights.

“Inadequate” seemed like a fairly benign term to describe her choices.

Many readers were hopping mad that I called her inadequate, but I wonder if people would be as upset if I had used the same terminology to describe a father who had abandoned his child.