Post-divorce disclosure brings dilemma

DEAR AMY >> After we divorced (decades ago), at some point my ex-husband told me that he was the father of another boy (he and I have two sons).

He said the woman had used him as a “sperm donor” without his knowledge and that she wasn’t interested in him playing any role in the child’s life, nor did she want any money from him.

I’ve kept his secret for a couple of decades.

My sons are now 39 and 36.

I’m wondering if I should tell them that they have a half-sibling, since their father clearly hasn’t? I think I’d want to know if I were in their shoes.

I’m no longer on good terms with my ex, and I fear his anger if I were to ask him whether he plans to tell them.

What do you think? I’d hate them to think I was telling them in order to put their father in a bad light.

— Unsure

DEAR UNSURE >> This is the very definition of “not your business.” And yet, because these are your sons, you can tell yourself that knowing about a half-brother is important for them, or that at the very least they should know about this because their well-being IS your business.

Given the ubiquity of DNA testing these days, there is some likelihood that these brothers will all stumble across one another at some point.

There is no need to shame, blame, or push this — you could tell your ex (using a neutral tone) that this has been on your mind lately and that you think he should consider disclosing it to your sons.

(Obviously, if your ex is frightening or dangerous and if this contact would put you at risk, you should not do so, but if all you really fear is your own discomfort at being told to mind your own business, then you might risk it.)

However, given the remoteness of the situation (your ex told you after you were divorced, he doesn’t seem to have met this son or had any contact with him, and you don’t have verification that this is true), I believe you should leave any actual disclosure up to him.

DEAR AMY >> I loved your reply to “Unwanted Black Sheep,” who was always an afterthought to her inlaws.

You suggested sending her husband and kids off to the in-laws and staying home with the dog.

Sixty years ago, when our twins were babies, every time my parents had friends or relatives stop in, my mother would call and ask us to bring the twins over so so-and-so could see them.

One day I sent my husband and the babies over and stayed home with our older son.

My mother called and asked why I stayed home with our son.

I said, “Well, you asked for the twins, so that’s what you got.”

We were all included in future invites. — Been There DEAR BEEN THERE >> Well played!