Boomer not OK with how she’s treated

DEAR AMY » I am a woman in my 70s. I do not understand why women in their 30s think they can treat their elders with disrespect.

I had two unkind mothers-in-law but I wouldn’t have dreamed of being rude to them or “telling them off” because they were my elders — the mothers of my husbands, and the grandmothers of my children and grandchildren.

I was taught to show respect to elders and, unless someone was abusive to me or others, to allow other elders to correct the children, if needed.

Is this a generational thing, that young family members can be rude to us, take offense about petty issues, and ignore or refuse to speak to us even after we have apologized for the smallest “offense”?

I have several friends who are experiencing the same issues with their daughters-in-law.

We are kind and compassionate elders who are not unreasonable, demanding, or mean. We are not difficult people, having lived long lives of being respectful to coworkers, family members, friends, neighbors and strangers. We are the first to acknowledge our flaws and apologize.

I have taught women’s classes on assertiveness in my profession, but this is not assertiveness. It is aggression.

I’d appreciate your thoughts.

— Disrespected

DEAR DISRESPECTED » Ido think you’re onto something regarding tension between millennials and boomers. It certainly surfaced during the pandemic, when (by my observation) millennials sought to control their parents, who — in their opinion — were not taking risks to themselves and others seriously enough.

I have been surprised both by the selfishness displayed by the elders, as well as the controlling and rude reactions of the youngers.

Both sides justify their behavior, and neither admits that they should perhaps behave differently.

However, both of your mothers-in-law were unkind. You consider it a badge of honor that you tolerated their mistreatment. Where is the glory in that?

Your female relatives in their 30s feel personal pressure to be all things to all people (their children, parents, partners, supervisors). Their worries and anxieties are often global in nature, reflecting frustration with elders who they believe deny the realities of climate change, racism, or a global pandemic.

So yes — they are fed up, and they’re not going to take it anymore. And yes, they are mistaking rudeness and aggression for assertion.

However, as women who have fought to have their voices heard, sometimes their voices are louder than necessary, or louder than you would like.

And — until the pendulum swings back again — that’s just the way it goes.

My recommendation for you is to try to engage in honest dialogue and continue to behave respectfully because that is who you are.