Grandchild would like to reject grandparents, for cause

DEAR AMY >> I am 20 years old. I have never really had a relationship with my grandparents. I see them two or three times a year, usually on birthdays and holidays.

They are not nice people. Both are narcissists. They constantly make me miserable.

They pick on my relationship status, my schooling, and what I want to do with my life.

My mother no longer sees them, but they still reach out to my brother and me. My brother and I have visited them (without our mother) for the past few years.

I always knew they were abusive to my mom growing up. But I just recently found out that my grandfather sexually assaulted my mother from the age of 9 to 12, only stopping when there was a risk of her getting pregnant.

My grandparents still call her when they need to blow off steam and they yell, gaslight and degrade her.

My grandparents have never done anything physical to me. They just pick on me relentlessly.

I no longer want to have any contact with them. I cannot support their abuse and terrible treatment of my mother.

But I have no idea how to separate amicably, especially since my brother, aunt and cousins still see them.

How do I tell them I don’t want to see them?

Fed-up Granddaughter DEAR FED-UP >> I intuit that you want to separate from these people amicably because on some level you are afraid of them, and — given what you know about them — your fear is rational. You are wise to pay attention.

You don’t mention how your mother has managed; she may have good advice for you.

If you don’t want to confront them, you can simply back away. Stop visiting. Don’t contact them, and if you do respond, you could try saying: “I’ve never liked the way you’ve treated me. Now that I’m an adult, I’ve decided to back away.”

Your grandfather’s sexual abuse and their shared cruelty has created a generational and painful legacy.

I can’t say what is best for you, but you and your mother might eventually be inspired to confront them directly. It would be wisest to do this with the guidance and support of a compassionate therapeutic professional.

You and your mother would both benefit from the information about sexual violence offered by the National Sexual Assault Hotline at RAINN.ORG. Text and phone counseling are available 24/7.

DEAR AMY >> I am disgusted by the continued “fat shaming” in your column. Please stop. — Disgusted