Vaccination status interferes with holiday

DEAR AMY >> I am struggling with the fact my husband’s family refuses to get vaccinated. These unvaccinated family members are also traveling across multiple state lines right before the holidays.

My husband understands that we shouldn’t celebrate the holiday with his unvaccinated family members, but he says that in turn, we shouldn’t see my widowed 75-year-old mom who, like us, is fully vaccinated.

It’s like he wants to punish both me and her because he can’t be with his family.

He and I routinely see my mom — we go on walks and share dinners, but he says that if we don’t have a meal with his family, then we can’t have one with my mom, even though they have a great relationship!

I’ve even suggested that it doesn’t have to be a full traditional dinner and that we could do something different this year, but he doesn’t seem responsive.

I am so confused, as he and I both agree about how frustrating it is that people carry this mentality of “not my responsibility to care about anyone but myself.”

I just lost my job, which provided health insurance for both of us, so we cannot get sick!

I don’t know how to handle this. Can you help?

— Upset

DEAR UPSET >> Your husband is sad and frustrated, for a variety of reasons, and he is taking it out on you (and himself).

His behavior isn’t mature, or kind, or hewing closely to the “holiday spirit,” and yet this sort of conflicted behavior forms the main plot of many of our favorite holiday-inspired stories, songs, and movies.

The basic theme is: “I’m feeling hurt and disappointed, and so I can’t do Christmas this year.”

In the movie version, you would be very understanding and patient, and — just before it was too late — he would come around.

I vote for the movie version.

Don’t trash his family or comment on their choices.

Plan something simple with your mother. Tell your husband about your plan and tell him, “We really wish that you would join us, but understand if you don’t want to. I know this is a tough year for you.”

DEAR AMY >> Generally, you seem to recommend minding your own business, but you recently told “Everyone Knows But You” to repeat neighborhood gossip. What gives?

— Caught You

DEAR CAUGHT >> This scuttlebutt directly involved a family member. I suggested telling the family member, “I am uncomfortable both knowing this and also repeating it...” leaving the choice up to the receiver.