Dormant affair triggers obsession

DEAR AMY >> I was involved in an extramarital affair for 15 years.

It was a beautiful and loving relationship. We shared nightly phone calls, managed to take vacations together, and saw one another on weekends.

Then COVID happened.

I moved away because of the pandemic, but we still spoke every night.

I was not happy. I couldn’t adjust, and I missed him terribly.

Our conversations were not as interesting. I blame it on myself. He was working from home and not struggling as much with his relationship with his spouse.

I told no one about the affair.

I saw a therapist, but it did not help. My life was a total lie.

My affair-partner and I have not spoken in five months.

I want to call him every day.

This feels worse than a divorce. I am jealous.

His life went on, while I am miserable. Sometimes, I will write an email to his wife, letting her know about our affair, but I don’t send it.

I check on him (and her, and their family) all day on social media.

Are there resources to help me with my obsession?

I am really not in good shape. — Devastated

DEAR DEVASTATED >> I’m going to sidestep a specific reaction to your long-term extramarital affair, except to say that the end was inevitable.

Once the pandemic interrupted your physical contact, he went back to his wife.

You need to go back to therapy. If necessary, find a different therapist. Be completely candid in your sessions.

In the shorter term, I can help you with your obsession.

Were you ever a smoker?

Or addicted to Ring Dings? (I’ve been both.)

The way to break an addiction is to stay away from triggers (in my case, art deco ashtrays and advertisements), and then breathe through those times when your mind spirals.

You are actually constantly triggering your own anguish and addiction by checking on him — and his wife and family — all day on social media.

It is hurting you. It is also creepy.

Disconnect from him on social media. Remove the app from your phone.

You need more actual contact with other people. Leave the house. Go for a walk, or to a coffee shop. Leave your phone behind but bring a book. Observe the world around you. Write down what you see and write down what you’re thinking about.

Call an old friend or family member and concentrate on them.

In short, you need to build a life that is open and authentic. This will take time.