Boyfriend’s behavior means ‘game over’

DEAR AMY » My boyfriend of almost three years is very childish.

If I do something he does not like, he will try to “get me” back — or even the score in some way.

For instance, I do not want to do a particular act in the bedroom.

This act makes me super-uncomfortable, and I hate it.

No matter how many times I explain this to him, he says it’s his favorite thing and that if I don’t do it, then it’s a deal-breaker.

Sometimes I suffer through it, but other times I flat out refuse.

The other day, I refused to do this.

Now he won’t kiss me. He says that since I won’t do that for him, kissing is off the table until I do it.

How is that fair? How can we navigate through this without calling it quits?

I want to make him happy, but I also don’t want to do what he’s asking me to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

— Underperforming

DEAR UNDERPERFORMING » Couples definitely bargain and negotiate with one another over all sorts of things, including “acts in the bedroom.”

However, this is not a negotiation. This is ... game over.

Definitely — a dealbreaker.

I wouldn’t describe your boyfriend’s behavior as “childish,” so much as “deeply troubling,” “manipulative,” “abusive.”

Those are only some words that come to mind. (There are others.)

He is coercing, manipulating, and — I assume — cornering you into doing something you have stated many times that you don’t want to do. This is something you “hate.”

Then, when he is not able to force you to do his “favorite thing,” he punishes you.

This is pretty much the definition of domestic abuse.

Currently, he is withholding affection. Later, he might punish you in other ways and for other reasons, if you don’t “make him happy.”

This is not connection. This is control.

Regular readers know that I rarely say this when people claim they want to work on their relationship, but — get out.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7. Their impressive website (RAINN. org) offers a wonderful “chat” function, available all-hours. You could “gut check” my reaction by calling or chatting online with a counselor: (800) 656-HOPE (4673).

DEAR AMY » I hope you will warn readers who might be receiving DNA testing kits as gifts, that the results can unlock mysteries, answer questions, and create problems.

I recently said hi to my new half-sibling, someone I didn’t know existed before we were linked through DNA. — Be Forewarned

DEAR FOREWARNED » I hope you don’t characterize this as a “problem,” but it certainly presents challenges — for both of you.