Christmas Eve brings on competing traditions

DEAR AMY >> My late first wife has a sister who hosts a Christmas Eve dinner.

I remarried after my wife’s death, and three of the five boys in our blended family, ages 18 to

27, attend their aunt’s dinner. (The other two boys, their stepbrothers, are also adults.)

The event tends to go past 10 p.m., resulting in tired participants for our Christmas morning, as well as no Christmas Eve together for our blended family.

My wife of seven years and I attended with the whole family the first year we were married, but have not attended since (the house is small, and we are trying to move forward with our own family traditions and create new memories).

We asked the boys’ aunt a few years ago whether she would be willing to host her event on December 23, so the three sons could attend with less impact on our own Christmas.

The response was, “Absolutely not, Christmas Eve dinner is our tradition.”

The three boys who attend are old enough to make their own decisions, but they have expressed that they are caught between competing Christmas Eve events (we have even had negotiations about this event in family therapy).

We do not know whether to drop it or continue to express regret about this competing annual Christmas Eve event and increase the volume. Your advice?

— Half a Family on

Christmas Eve

DEAR HALF-A-FAMILY >> My response is not what you want to hear.

Many, many families split their time and attendance over various holiday celebrations. For you to have all of your adult children with you on both Christmas Eve and the following day — is unrealistic.

You have your own blended family celebration on Christmas Day.

I suggest that you adjust the timing of your celebration so that all of your family members can regroup on Christmas morning, and not arrive at your home bedraggled.

This aunt’s Christmas Eve tradition is long-standing, and because your sons choose to attend it, I think you should accept that — for them — this is an important aspect of their Christmas celebration. And so, you should let them have it, and instead of hosting a competing event — you and your wife should scale back your own Christmas Eve and consider the way you celebrate it (with her sons) to be ... what you do. Develop your own intimate traditions with the smaller group.

This whole issue is obviously a big sticking point with you, but — if you couldn’t work it out to your satisfaction in family therapy, then I’d say that the adult response would be to accept things as they are, and to stop pushing.