A child's question yields vague answers

DEAR AMY >> My partner “Michael's” father, “Ned” walked out on their family when Michael was a teenager.

It was a nasty divorce, leaving behind many emotional and financial scars.

In the years following the divorce, Ned made little and then no effort to keep in touch with his children.

The family is understandably angry and hurt by his betrayal. Michael is especially hurt. He never speaks of his father and becomes visibly closed off if he ever comes up in conversation.

Michael and I now have a wonderful son together, and while we know Ned is aware of this through mutual friends and family, Ned has never reached out.

Our son is three. We have accepted that this man will likely never be a part of our son's life, but how do we tell our son that?

The dreaded question has already come up (“Nana is mom's mom, Grandma is dad's mom . ... Who is Grandpa? Where is he?”), and I explained that Grandpa went far away a long time ago and we don't really know where he is, as Michael looked on, stonefaced and silent.

Our son accepted this vague explanation and moved on, but I can feel follow-up questions brewing.

I plan to address them openly and honestly as they arise, but am at a loss as to how to frame it in a way that is age-appropriate and will not be hurtful to him. How do you tell a child that some parents just leave their families?

How can we reassure him we would never do that to him? As the most objective adult in this situation, I feel it would be best for me to be the one who discusses this with him.

I'd appreciate any guidance.

— Estranged in-law

DEAR ESTRANGED >> You should talk to your partner about this and ask him if the two of you can come up with simple and truthful explanations for your precocious son: “Daddy's father's name is `Steven.' Daddy hasn't seen him in a long time because Steven chose to move away and hasn't been in touch.”

If your son asks why, you can truthfully say, “I'm not sure why, but I'm sorry he made that choice.”

Some people don't want to be parents and grandparents. And some people never learn how.

Don't overload your son with a sense of loss and sadness over this. Follow his curiosity where it leads, and offer lots of affirmations and reassurance.