I read it in the tabloids

■ A Seychelles giant tortoise named Jonathan just turned an estimated 191 years old, augmenting his status as the world’s oldest living land animal. Jonathan is believed to have been at least 50 when he was brought in 1882 to St. Helena, a British island in the South Atlantic. Though well past his species’ average life span of 150, Jonathan—who’s been alive during the terms of 40 U.S. presidents—shows “no sign of slowing down,” said veterinarian Joe Hollins. “His appetite remains keen,” and he still exhibits “good libido,” as shown by his regular efforts to mate with the two giant tortoises he lives with—one female and one male.

■ A Catholic priest in Brooklyn was demoted after he let a pop star film a racy music video in his 160-year-old church. In the video, scantily clad singer Sabrina Carpenter dances on the altar amid the pastelcolored coffins of former suitors, one bearing the words “RIP, bitch.” Saying it was “appalled” by the video, the Diocese of Brooklyn stripped Monsignor Jamie Gigantiello of administrative duties. The apologetic priest said he hadn’t known the video—which has gotten more than 13 million YouTube views—would contain anything “provocative.”

■ A Utah man admitted he was an “idiot” after he tried to pet a bison, which gored him and flipped him in the air. Halen Carbajal was passing a neighbor’s property when he saw a herd of grazing bison and decided to approach one. “He rocked me pretty good,” said Carbajal, who was hospitalized for treatment of a broken rib, stomach gash, and lacerated liver. “I was definitely an idiot in this scenario. You got to have a lot more reverence for big, crazy beasts.”