The fright­en­ing Franken­pig lives!

The Weekly Vista - - Opinion - DEVIN HOUS­TON

Hal­loween may be over, but here is some­thing re­ally scary!

Leave it to the Chi­nese to ruin some­thing Amer­i­cans con­sider sa­cred: Ba­con. Ac­cord­ing to a pa­per in the latest is­sue of “Pro­ceed­ings of the Na­tional Academy of Sci­ences,” a re­search group at the Chi­nese Academy of Sci­ences in Bei­jing has used gene mod­i­fi­ca­tion tech­niques to pro­duce pigs with 24 per­cent less body fat. This is heresy!

Noth­ing says “Amer­ica” more than our God-given right to bar­be­cue pork ribs, smoke hams and broil bratwursts. Any grown Amer­i­can male gets tearyeyed at the sight of a blue­and-gold can of Spam. Any­one who knows pork knows that the fla­vor is all in the fat. So what if it may clog your ar­ter­ies? Amer­i­cans can han­dle it; ain’t no one gonna tell us that re­duced-fat pig prod­ucts are “bet­ter” for us!

I ad­mit I am not one prone to con­sider at­tack­ing other coun­tries, but that may change if our na­tion’s crit­i­cal sup­ply of fat-laden pork prod­ucts be­comes much leaner. I hereby call upon our leaders to place an em­bargo on China un­til it com­mits to the de-mod­i­fi­ca­tion of strate­gic stock pork re­serves.

For years I have tried to rally fel­low sci­en­tists against the pro­lif­er­a­tion of gene-mod­i­fied or­gan­isms for fear it would fall into the wrong hands. Now, it is just a mat­ter of time be­fore Iran, Syria and North Korea ob­tain this tech­nol­ogy and use it against bar­be­cue-lov­ing Amer­i­cans. To­day, it’s lower-fat pigs. What’s next, beef mar­bled with tofu? Don’t scoff; it is easy enough to put a soy­bean gene into old Daisy. Chick­ens with no fat-laden skin? There goes your ex­tracrispy bucket of wings! Where will the mad­ness end?

Con­sider this: It takes a lot to frighten Amer­i­cans. Nu­clear mis­siles? Ha! We can pick them out of the air with ease, no prob­lem. Re­mem­ber, we are the only coun­try to have ac­tu­ally used nukes in war, so put that in your pel­let smoker, Buddy! Germ war­fare? Heck, we’ll just make an­other vac­cine to go along with the dozens of oth­ers we in­ject into chil­dren, no big deal!

But now we face a prob­lem not en­coun­tered by

pre­vi­ous gen­er­a­tions. Sci­en­tists from any coun­try, in­clud­ing those that fos­ter ter­ror­ism, can now mod­ify our food sources! Oh, they’ll say it’s bet­ter for the an­i­mal and health­ier for us — less fat, less choles­terol, more vi­ta­mins. So what if it doesn’t have that greasy, yummy fat ooz­ing out of the meat? So what if it tastes like card­board?

But the real rea­son for pushing such ge­net­i­cally-raised freaks of na­ture on us is to de­mor­al­ize Amer­i­cans to the point that we don’t care any­more! We will be so de­pressed when our ba­con isn’t crispy, the sausage won’t brown and it all tastes like pa­per pulp that we won’t care when the ter­ror­ists take over our way of life.

So I call upon all those who want orig­i­nal, un­abashed, unadul­ter­ated and ge­net­i­cally-pure piggy prod­ucts to join me. Put on your grilling gloves, grab your bar­be­cue tongs and fight those who threaten our choles­terol-clogged way of life! Hear our bat­tle cry: “Re­mem­ber the Pork Loin Parisi­enne!”

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.