The frightening Frankenpig lives!

Halloween may be over, but here is something really scary!

Leave it to the Chinese to ruin something Americans consider sacred: Bacon. According to a paper in the latest issue of “Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences,” a research group at the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing has used gene modification techniques to produce pigs with 24 percent less body fat. This is heresy!

Nothing says “America” more than our God-given right to barbecue pork ribs, smoke hams and broil bratwursts. Any grown American male gets tearyeyed at the sight of a blueand-gold can of Spam. Anyone who knows pork knows that the flavor is all in the fat. So what if it may clog your arteries? Americans can handle it; ain’t no one gonna tell us that reduced-fat pig products are “better” for us!

I admit I am not one prone to consider attacking other countries, but that may change if our nation’s critical supply of fat-laden pork products becomes much leaner. I hereby call upon our leaders to place an embargo on China until it commits to the de-modification of strategic stock pork reserves.

For years I have tried to rally fellow scientists against the proliferation of gene-modified organisms for fear it would fall into the wrong hands. Now, it is just a matter of time before Iran, Syria and North Korea obtain this technology and use it against barbecue-loving Americans. Today, it’s lower-fat pigs. What’s next, beef marbled with tofu? Don’t scoff; it is easy enough to put a soybean gene into old Daisy. Chickens with no fat-laden skin? There goes your extracrispy bucket of wings! Where will the madness end?

Consider this: It takes a lot to frighten Americans. Nuclear missiles? Ha! We can pick them out of the air with ease, no problem. Remember, we are the only country to have actually used nukes in war, so put that in your pellet smoker, Buddy! Germ warfare? Heck, we’ll just make another vaccine to go along with the dozens of others we inject into children, no big deal!

But now we face a problem not encountered by

previous generations. Scientists from any country, including those that foster terrorism, can now modify our food sources! Oh, they’ll say it’s better for the animal and healthier for us — less fat, less cholesterol, more vitamins. So what if it doesn’t have that greasy, yummy fat oozing out of the meat? So what if it tastes like cardboard?

But the real reason for pushing such genetically-raised freaks of nature on us is to demoralize Americans to the point that we don’t care anymore! We will be so depressed when our bacon isn’t crispy, the sausage won’t brown and it all tastes like paper pulp that we won’t care when the terrorists take over our way of life.

So I call upon all those who want original, unabashed, unadulterated and genetically-pure piggy products to join me. Put on your grilling gloves, grab your barbecue tongs and fight those who threaten our cholesterol-clogged way of life! Hear our battle cry: “Remember the Pork Loin Parisienne!”