A few security upgrades?

I slept in later than usual a couple of Saturdays ago. The wife gets up before me but this particular morning I slept in until 8:15. I go down the stairs, get a cup of coffee and look out the front door just to get an idea as to the weather. Took me a second or two but I noticed the hill in front of my house was on fire. I calmly brought this to my wife’s attention (why she had not noticed it, I haven’t a clue) and since it was very windy I had her call 911. I met the fire trucks as they came down Sawmill Road and directed them down the hill where they would have the best access to it. They worked about three hours and got it under control, save for some chimney trees, which would burn out on their own.

I talked to the fire chief and we agreed that it was obviously started by someone throwing a cigarette out of a car window onto the dry leaves and tree litter by the road. Luckily, I had a controlled burn done on our land two years ago, so there wasn’t that much for the fire to consume. We had also paid our $50 dollar fee to have the fire department come and help us. So, all in all, we came out alright.

But upon thinking about the idiot that started the fire, I decided that I’ve had enough. For years we have somewhat tolerated the trespassers who fish on our land, who poach our deer, or who just feel that they have the right to walk onto our property and do whatever they want. Not anymore. I hereby state the following as a Public Service Announcement just so future interlopers are warned.

I already have a security gate. But I made it a little more secure. Anyone messing with the gate or puts in the wrong code gets a tree dropped on them. I saw that trick in a Wylie Coyote-Road Runner cartoon.

I’ve also installed video cameras up and down our property line bordering the public road. I can now record the jackass who shoots one of our deer from his truck or throws a carcass or other trash onto our land. But wait, they do more! These cameras are connected to remotely controlled machine gun nests strategically placed in the larger trees. Once a camera confirms an illegal action, the guns lock on and fire. Maybe they fire only paintballs, maybe they fire live ammo. I don’t remember.

I also captured a good quantity of squirrels and possums and attached GoPro cameras to them. The possums are booby-trapped and trained to run after any human they see in the woods after dark. I couldn’t bring myself to booby-trap the squirrels, they’re just too cute.

I also obtained Vietcong gophers like the one in the movie Caddyshack and set them up along the river bank. These are vicious little creatures with huge teeth. They love nothing more than attaching themselves to the leg of a trespassing fisherman and bite the crap out of them. They also seem to have knowledge of explosives. Genetic engineering at its best!

I sent our dogs WallE, Daisy, and BJ to a military training site. They are now trained to dismember any human who acts suspiciously. How they discern suspicious behavior from normal behavior is a mystery to me, but they don’t bother any family members so I don’t worry about it. The only problem is the time it takes to dispose of

the remains of the poachers they encountered. It takes away from my free time on the weekends but a small price to pay for security.

Ok, maybe all of the above is a fantasy, like wishing I had rocket launchers on my truck to blow up vehicles pulling out in front of me.

But are you willing to make that assumption? Please, for your own sake, respect other’s property. Quit smoking, or at least keep your cigs in your own vehicle.

You have been warned.

Devin Houston is the president/CEO of Houston Enzymes. Send comments or questions to devin. houston@gmail.com. The opinions expressed are those of the author.