Preventing the Cybergeddon

Amid the noise of Trumpian politics and scandals, the angst of gun control issues, and the burgeoning threat of high school students walking out of classrooms, remains the very real worry of protecting our national infrastructure, including the electric grid (not “griddle”, the device used for making pancakes).

According to the FBI and Homeland Security, Russians have been stealing information on how our national electrical systems are controlled. With this information they have run test scenarios for attacking or gaining control of industrial utilities. If these attacks are successful, the Russians could then shut down power grids across the United States from the comfort of the Kremlin man-cave. Without firing a shot or crossing our border, Russia could hold our nation hostage. No electricity means no Internet service, no way to charge your iPhone, and no way to watch Fox and Friends at 3 a.m. There would be no banking, pumping of gasoline, or use of any other electrical equipment. Backup generators would be helpful only until the fuel source is depleted.

Security of power plants and electrical co-ops has not been an issue high on anyone’s worry list. We are more concerned that the juice keeps flowing. The occasional two-hour outage from storms is hard enough to deal with; now think how hard life would be losing electricity for weeks or months. Just ask those who live in Puerto Rico.

Natural disasters such as hurricanes are certainly more of a threat today than Russian cyber meddling. But lest you think we are far from such attacks actually happening, let me present you with the very real and present threat to the national electrical infrastructure: Cyber squirrels.

I am not the only one concerned. Former Deputy Director of the National Security Agency, John C. Inglis, stated the following in 2015: “I don’t think paralysis [of the electrical grid] is more likely by cyber attack than by natural disaster. And frankly the number-one threat experienced to date by the U.S. electrical grid is squirrels.” Yes, folks, those cute little tree rodents could actually be Communist agents bent on subverting our democratic way of life. As of this year squirrels have been responsible for 1,141 cyber ops against the United States and those are only the confirmed reports released to the public. No doubt many other episodes have occurred but not reported due to national security.

There is evidence that the cyber squirrels have indoctrinated other wildlife species to commit such horrendous acts against our freedom-loving populace. Birds, snakes, raccoons, and rats have also been implicated. Even cats, supposedly loving companions to humans, have committed at least 25 acts of cyber terrorism! I know this is hard to contemplate but our pets may not have our best interests at heart. Personally, I have never trusted cats.

I am not one given to bouts of paranoia, but let’s look at the facts, real or imagined. The media is obsessed with a narcissistic philanderer as our leader, Stormy Daniels, and a budget bill that provides no funding for wildlife mental health. No one cares whether a squirrel is deranged or not, or even understands how to tell the difference. Putin, the Russian leader much admired by our own less handsome president, has recently bragged about the advanced missile systems produced under his direction. I am sure such achievements are merely to distract from the more secret development of animal indoctrination techniques. Soon, the United States may be populated by hordes of deep-state loving, cyber-enhanced squirrels directing attacks against utility companies, dams, and cell towers. Even the conservative Christian Science Monitor stated in a January 6, 2016 opinion article that “squirrels are a bigger threat than hackers to US power grid”.

The one advantage we have over wildlife, besides opposable thumbs, is the second amendment of the Constitution. So the next time you see squirrels frolicking around your electric meter or running across a power line, don’t take any chances. Pull out that AR-15 and prevent the Cybergeddon!

This is a public service announcement from the Foundation of Advanced Knowledge Enterprises (FAKE).