Yoga friendship is out of alignment

DEAR AMY >> I made friends with “Bruce” at a yoga class about 10 years ago.

We’d meet for classes and then grab dinner.

I moved away about a year into the friendship, and we lost touch. Just before the pandemic, Bruce was visiting the city where I lived and looked me up. We grabbed dinner and he told me he had no close friends (his previous friends had ghosted him) and that he had considered suicide.

I told him to get in touch any time, and that he was welcome to visit. I also told him to seek help.

He took me up on the offer and started visiting every two or three months (including on Christmas and for his birthday) — and stayed for two or three days each time. We didn’t have much to talk about. Bruce was fussy and demanding and frankly, I hated the visits, but I felt responsible.

He also complained nonstop about his family and coworkers. It sounded like he’d also complained to them about me.

Now I’ve moved back to the city where Bruce still lives. He’s made more friends, is closer to his family, has a girlfriend, and seems well.

When I meet him now, though, he still complains nonstop about everyone in his life, reporting petty slights and missteps — and I just nod and listen.

How can I end this friendship?

Do I owe it to him to remain in the friendship since he confided in me about his depression?

I’m wondering whether just pulling away (being busy when he wants to meet) is kinder than telling him the reasons.

Your advice? — Downward Facing Friend

DEAR DOWNWARD >> You seem to have been an extremely compassionate and patient friend to “Bruce” when he needed you — or seemed to need you. You seem also to have never placed any boundaries around your relationship with him.

Because of the combination of Bruce’s manipulations and your challenges creating boundaries, I do suggest a slow backing away. Yes — be busy.

If he confronts or pushes you, congratulate him on creating a healthier and happier life. Encourage him to continue.

You might do some work on your own to learn new ways to create and maintain healthy boundaries.