Three alternatives to perfectionism

Confession: I’m a recovering perfectionist. I had been trucking along in recovery-land, being generally kind and flexible with myself and others, until we adopted a puppy in April of 2022. This decision ended up being the catalyst for relapsing into perfectionism, which skyrocketed my anxiety and attempts to control everything (while also driving my partner crazy) for the next year and a half.

Juno is a mix of six guarding or working breeds and was a handful from the start. Although loving and playful with her human family, she was fearful and hypervigilant whenever encountering a new sound, sight or smell. Juno exploded at seeing a dog 300 feet away on our walks, barking lunging, and generally making a scene. To top it all off, she got her first urinary tract infection less than a month after we got her and continued to get about one infection per month, which resulted in ongoing vet visits, urine sample collections, rounds of antibiotics, visits with specialists, and a surgery.

My response to all these unexpected layers of challenge? Hours of research, meeting with dog trainers and specialists, fixating on her behaviors and reactions at all times, and feeling as though it was totally up to me to figure out the answer and execute it flawlessly, or she would never get better.

It’s taken some time, but I can now look back and recognize that I was back in the throes of perfectionism—holding my partner, my dog, and myself in a vice grip of control while relentlessly pursuing relief from the unexpected and constant stress and challenges.

Although some might see perfectionism as a helpful trait, the truth is that it’s a double-edged sword. At its core, it’s the pursuit of flawless performance coupled with the fear of failure. This mindset makes a stressful situation even more difficult. In my experience, the compulsion to control every aspect of Juno’s health and behavior was overwhelming, resulting in disconnection from my easy-going partner and frustration from feeling like it was all up to me.

So, what is perfectionism, and how does it commonly manifest? Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards for themselves, leading to chronic dissatisfaction and stress. The fear of making mistakes can be paralyzing, hindering personal and professional growth. It often appears in behaviors such as overthinking, procrastination and over-functioning.

If this resonates, you are not alone. Perfectionism is a common issue for many high-achieving individuals. The great news is that you can hold onto standards of excellence while also experiencing less stress, less selfjudgment and less blame and frustration toward others. Here are a few healthy alternatives to perfectionism.

First, build awareness. Notice when your perfectionist thoughts or actions arise and label them. For example, “I notice I’m pushing my way as the only right way because of my black-and-white thinking.” Or “My perfectionism is telling me I have to get this exactly right, which makes me want to procrastinate.”

Next, practice self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself and ruminating on what you should’ve done differently, treat yourself like you would a friend in a similar situation. It’s normal and perfectly okay not to have the answers all the time. You have permission to be human.

Finally, set kind and reasonable goals. Often, when I check in with my clients about the expectations they hold for themselves, they are nearly impossible to meet. When I ask them if they would expect the same of a friend, they usually tell me they wouldn’t. It can be helpful to pause and notice what you expect of yourself, then ask if it is kind and reasonable, and if you would ask the same of a loved one. Do you struggle with perfectionism? I offer compassionate and practical guidance. Submit your questions below.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffany@ tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/ thelifecoach. Visit tiffskidmore.com to learn more about Tiffany and her work.