Navigating big emotions
My client, we’ll call her Jen, got betrayed twice in one week.
Her boundaries had been crossed and she had been lied to. She was feeling overwhelmed with anger at the people, the situation and herself.
Focusing at work was like trying to write an essay in the middle of a tornado — it just wasn’t happening. She was hesitant to even bring the situation up in our session, because she wasn’t sure there would be anything we could do that would help.
When I asked her what she wanted and how she wished she was experiencing things differently, she told me that she just wanted to be able to calm herself down and feel more in control.
She didn’t want to spend more time consumed by emotion and anger, which felt difficult because, at the moment, there was nothing more she could do except wait and see how things turned out.
Emotions can be deeply uncomfortable. They can feel like a lead vest, a vice tightening around the lungs, a pit in the stomach, or a panicked sense of drowning. Anger is an emotion that many people are uncomfortable with, even judging themselves for feeling it.
Jen was no different. She was so angry, and on top of that she was deeply frustrated with herself for feeling mad and not being able to feel better.
In our culture, we tend to label emotions as good or bad. We want to stay in the good ones and get rid of the bad ones as quickly as possible. However, all emotions are useful and part of an essential internal guidance system.
They give us important information about our relationships, our circumstances and ourselves. Anger is one of the most activating emotions. It wants us to protect something, draw boundaries, or fight for what is right.
When I shared this perspective of anger with Jen and that it made total sense to me why she was feeling so angry, she visibly relaxed her shoulders. She shared that hearing me validate her experience helped her feel more calm and that understanding why the anger was there helped her feel a little more in control. She was able to accept and allow the anger instead of fighting it, which released one layer of heaviness from an already hard situation.
Despite how it may feel in a moment of intense emotional suffering, feelings are not just chaotic intruders. They bring vital messages about what is working and what isn’t in our lives. They are pointing to our needs and values.
So, what are some ways to navigate big emotions? Let’s pull some from Jen’s experience. When her feelings were most intense, she did a combination of soothing her nervous system by doing paced breathing exercises (like the 4-7-8 exercise) and strategic distraction by doing tasks that required her presence and attention (intense exercise and collaborative work meetings).
Remember, not all tools and strategies help when we are in high intensity emotion. Jen did a great job of doing what helped her calm down and give her system a break from the thinking/ feeling vortex. Other options might be: taking a fast walk, listening to loud music, taking a shower, or running cold water over your hands or face.
Once the intensity is down a bit, it’s more possible to name what emotions and sensations you’re feeling, explore what messages they might be sending to you, and validate your experience by saying, “it makes sense that I’m feeling this way because ____.” By working with our emotions rather than fighting them, we are taking steps toward reclaiming control in tough moments.
Do you have anger or emotions that are lingering? I can help. I offer compassionate and practical guidance through this column. Submit your questions below.
Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffskidmore.com to learn more about Tiffany and her work.