Are you over-giving or giving the right amount?

“I’d like to pay the balance for the family who just left,” my dad told the Walmart employee at the layaway counter. (Layaway is an in-store way to pay for something in installments, taking it home after the balance is paid in full.) My dad, Kimber, was a blue-collar worker providing for a wife and three kids. Although we always had our basic needs met, we didn’t often have extra money, but when we did, Dad was sure to share it with others less fortunate than us.

That Christmas, my dad had gotten a small bonus, and he was bouncing with happiness as we went to pay off the gifts he’d put on layaway. While waiting in line, we noticed a tired, young mom with two little ones putting a bundle of toys on layaway. It was no surprise that when we got to the counter, my dad’s bonus was going to help her family out, too.

Though my dad didn’t have a lot of money, time or energy in his life, he freely gave what he had. (This may have included a morethan-reasonable number of rescues after I locked my keys in my car as a teenager and, even more embarrassingly, once with the keys in the ignition and the car running. He joked that I should wear the spare key on a necklace after that one.)

As I stepped into adulthood and my first career as a teacher, I carried forward the spirit of generosity my dad had modeled for me. I said yes to everything asked of me, showed up to the best of my ability and even started doing things that were never asked of me but where I saw a need. That was until my engine sputtered, gasped and died of an empty gas tank.

It’s around this point of depletion that my clients start asking the same question I’ve asked myself over the years: Am I generous or am I over-giving?

Here are a few ways to know: Examine the root of your giving. If the core of why you give your time, money, attention or energy is a “should,” feels like an obligation or like you don’t have a choice, this points toward over-giving. It may be a pattern learned in childhood to earn love or might be a belief that you are the best person or the only one who will step up. On the other hand, if you’re giving from a desire to simply make someone’s life better, it is likely generosity at the core.

Next, notice your feelings. If it feels clean and light, with no strings attached, you are probably giving in a range that feels good to you. You likely walk away feeling great, even if the other person fails to thank you. However, if you notice irritability, frustration or a screaming need for appreciation, this might be a sign of over-giving. Over-giving is a common strategy used to try to get our needs met. Sometimes we over-give at work to try to prove we are an excellent employee, at home to try to get appreciation or reciprocity or with friends in order to be liked.

Finally, look at your gas tank. If your engine is running on fumes, yet you are giving to others from dawn to dusk, it is over-giving. As they say before every flight, we have to put the oxygen mask on first so we can then tend to those around us. It’s not selfish to pull back or pause when you are depleted. In fact, it’s the only logical thing to do. Bonus if you’re able to receive generosity from others during those times! So, let’s take the example of my big-hearted dad, and give when we have a little extra. And when we don’t, it’s OK to take care of ourselves.

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