Should we move to be closer to our family?

Dear Tiffany,

We are making a decision about moving closer to our children. Could you provide questions that senior parents could consider when evaluating a move out of state to be close to adult children and grandchildren? Thanks. Dear Reader,

Relocating at any stage of life is a big decision; here are some things I’d invite you to consider as you evaluate your next best move:

First, get really clear on your why. What matters most to you at this age and stage of life? What needs might be met by relocating? (I’d suggest Googling a list of needs to help you identify them precisely.)

Many senior parents are seeking more connection and quality time with their children and grandchildren, while others may desire support from family as they age. In addition to understanding the needs and values fueling a possible transition, evaluate your current situation through a similar lens. What needs and values are currently being met where you live now? How are your social support networks, proximity to good health care and access to other community amenities? What might you really miss if you moved?

Of course, there are practical considerations that would be beneficial to explore. What will the financial implications be, such as cost of living differences, the housing market or potential impact on retirement savings? It may be important to compare healthcare accessibility to quality medical facilities and providers.

Finally, consider the social implications of a move and explore what opportunities there are for establishing new social connections and communities where your children live.

I want to emphasize the importance of having an open and clear dialogue with your adult children (and grandchildren if relevant) throughout the decision-making process. Discussing what each individual’s hopes, expectations, needs, concerns and boundaries would be if the move happened is a great way to explore a big decision like this. If there are places where expectations or needs are not in alignment, now is the time to identify them and collaboratively decide how all needs and concerns might be addressed.

Some open-ended questions to kick off the conversation might be: What would the best-case scenario look like for each of us if the move happens? What is each person most worried about if the move happens? Conversations like these can feel vulnerable, so perhaps posing questions ahead of time so people have time to reflect and maybe even write down answers before sharing could be helpful.

Finally, I’d like to offer a few thoughts on making big decisions. We often wait for a “good feeling” to guide us, when the reality is that most big life decisions require some discomfort. When we let our values and needs be our compass and are willing to tolerate the discomfort of change in service of having a life that feels meaningful, we tend to make better decisions.

It might even be useful to visualize yourself 10 years from now looking back at this time of life and consider what your older self would think of your decision to stay or to go. What might the future version of you be experiencing if you fully embraced relocating, with all the joys and challenges it will bring? Likewise, how would the future version of you be feeling if you committed to staying where you are and finding other creative ways to meet your needs and fulfill your values?

Notice how your body feels as you imagine yourself fully in each decision a few years from now. Take your time and visualize each possible path for as long as you need, perhaps even spending a whole day imagining each decision separately. This practice can give us useful information from our intuitive intelligence, in addition to the more practical considerations above.

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