Break free from stuck patterns
A client of mine, “Diane,” is going through a major reorientation in her life and her marriage. Entering her 60s, she is a jet-engine of a human — passionate, innovative and driven. She has decided that she wants to live her life more fully, which means more travel, more experiences and more time with friends. As she defined what matters most in her next chapter, she has also started noticing patterns of behavior that do not align with those values. When we met, she was feeling a ton of frustration and irritability toward her partner, her team at work and even toward herself. She was surging forward in life, and the people around her were content to stay on the couch.
She identified that she had spent much of her life accommodating others. When others lagged behind, she would throw up her hands and do most of the work herself. She noticed that she tended to take on 100% of the responsibility for most things, driven by the feeling of frustration of trying to get others on board. It was a lot of work, and it was getting in the way of living into her values.
We’ve all been there: noticing that, once again, we are in a pattern that we know doesn’t serve us. Whether it’s a relationship dynamic, stress-eating, procrastinating or snapping at a loved one, we all have patterns of behaviors that we are committed to changing but keep somehow repeating.
Let’s explore a pair of tools that can be powerful when we are stuck in ineffective cycles of thoughts or behaviors. They are called Opposite Thought and Opposite Action. When Diane and I were exploring her experience, she noticed that she was tired of being the one responsible for managing everything. To further our exploration, I asked her how the opposite thought might be true, “What if you are NOT responsible for 100% of the things in your relationship or at work?” She paused, then chuckled. Considering the opposite thought helped her land in the truth that she can only truly own 50% of the relationship and 20% at work — namely, how she shows up and what she chooses to say and do. During that session, Diane made a massive shift; she came in with the goal of figuring out how to be better and fix everything and left with the goal of only taking responsibility for her part and practicing letting go of the rest.
Opposite Action is another approach to experiment with when we are in a cycle of taking an unhelpful action. First, notice the emotions. Then, notice the urges and actions that follow. An example might be when we feel anxious about something, we overthink or avoid it. This often creates a more chronic anxiety because the root issue is not being addressed. When we can notice the pattern and are willing to experiment with something different, we can practice deciding ahead of time what action we’d like to try instead.
For example, Diane was recognizing that when irritability and frustration came up, her urge was to push harder or figure out a way to get the other person on the same page. When we discussed what Opposite Action she could experiment with, she decided that whenever frustration or irritation showed up, she’d like to step away and take a break (rather than lean in or work harder). From there, she would make a values-based decision, clearly communicate it to the other party and then practice letting it go.
Although Opposite Thought and Opposite Action can feel effortful and unfamiliar at first, they can open up more possibilities for freedom, relief and possibly less intense emotions over time. The key is that we don’t have to feel a certain way to act according to our values. It’s possible to feel stressed but not follow stress-driven urges.
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Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffany@tiffanyskidmore. com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffskidmore.com to learn more about Tiffany and her work.