On working effectively with anger
A client recently came to a session wanting to figure out ways to decrease her anger that was often boiling right under the surface.
She wanted to stop having irritable inner reactions to certain people and circumstances in her life and would beat herself up when she did. She valued being compassionate, respectful and mindful in her interactions, on the inside as well as the outside.
This is a common response to anger — seeing it as a negative emotion that needs to be gotten rid of as quickly as possible. We may try to convince ourselves that we are overreacting or tell ourselves that we just need to let it go. However, when we ignore it, it gets louder, taking up even more bandwidth. Although it can be a distressing emotion to experience, anger — like all emotions — comes with important information and messages for us.
Think of a time when you were really angry. What was going on? My guess is that something or someone needed protection. A boundary violation or injustice occurred. Anger is one of the most activating emotions; it urges us to protect, draw a boundary or fight for what is right.
So, why does anger have such a bad reputation? Because if we don’t work with anger skillfully, it can spur us to take impulsive action that might harm ourselves, others or our relationships. We act or speak aggressively rather than assertively.
If you are a person who, like my client above, tends to suppress your anger or talk yourself out of it, you are missing the gift of anger. Anger points to situations or relationships that conflict with your values or are harming you; it’s calling you to action. I invite you to turn toward your anger and let it have a voice. This might be in a session with a professional or a trusted friend. You might write a journal entry or a letter.
Or maybe you are called to express your anger physically, inviting it in and then processing it safely by doing pushups, throwing rocks into a lake or yelling in your car. Once you’ve given your anger some space and allowed it to process a little, consider possible actions you can take. These actions will feel different than the “heat of the moment” urges. They make sense. They feel doable. They will move you in the direction you want to go.
As always, give yourself permission to go at your own pace and notice how it goes.
If you are a person who tends to act on your anger urges by snapping or lashing out at other people or yourself or taking impulsive actions, my invitation is to experiment with grounding techniques. Acknowledge and label your anger, and then try calming your body and nervous system down so you can effectively approach the issue.
Try a few rounds of paced breathing like the 5-5-7 breath: inhale for a count of five, hold for a count of five, exhale for a count of seven.
The longer exhale signals to your nervous system that you are safe and helps you calm the fight/flight/ freeze stress response. Another tool to try in the moment is the F.A.B. tool. When you feel triggered, look around the room and Find-all-theblue things.
This will activate a different part of your brain and create a pause, so you have more choice about what you want to do in the moment.
After getting in touch with her anger, my client was able to identify boundaries and actions that she could put in place to support and protect herself in the troubling relationships and circumstances.
While she still experiences anger and irritation, it doesn’t stay as long, because she listens to its message and turns it into action.
What makes you angry? Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance.
Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffany@tiffanyskidmore. com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffskidmore.com to learn more about Tiffany and her work.