According to Mike, INYDGLNJ Dn DOO-ZRPHN FDUG JDPH Ls nr ELJ GHDO

Playing cards is fun. I quite enjoy it. But being the only man at a card game ZLWK fiYH RWKHU women … well, that could be challenging if not handled tactfully.

And sometimes, tact is not my strong suit. Knowing that, it was with some trepidation that on our UHFHnW YDFDWLRn GRZn WKH sKRUH, , sat down to play cards at a table full of forty-something women.

These were longtime pals of The Blonde Accountant, a few of her running buddies from when they were all 20-somethings and spending summers in Sea Isle City. Back then, I was spending my summers in ,RZD DnG ,OOLnRLs FRUnfiHOGs DnG JLYen what I know now, I’m pretty sure life in Sea Isle City in the 1980s was a lot more fun and interesting than it was in East Jablip, Iowa.

These days, some of the women DUH ZLYHs, sRPH DUH PRPs DnG some are single moms. It was a weekend away from the real world of jobs, menfolk and kids, a chance to lie on the beach during the lazy summer days and then blow off some steam during the breezy summer nights by indulging in two SRSuODU sKRUH DFWLYLWLHs — WKRU- RuJKOy LnYHsWLJDWLnJ WKH ZRnGHUs RI FROG DGuOW EHYHUDJHs DnG SODying a card game with an obscene name that can’t be printed in a family newspaper.

Of course, as the only man in WKH FDUG JDPH, , PDy Ds ZHOO KDYH just painted a big bull’s eye on my IRUHKHDG. 0y fiUsW WKRuJKW RnFH we sat down to deal the cards was WR sWRS, GURS DnG UROO. , fiJuUHG , GLGn’W KDYH PuFK RI D FKDnFH RI suUYLYLnJ, PuFK OHss ZLnnLnJ D hand or two.

BuW LI LW’s DnyWKLnJ ,’YH OHDUnHG as a longtime member of the Stupid Man’s Club, it’s that when in a card game, just shut up and play cards.

The name of the card game itself is a one-word lesson in anatomy that oftentimes is a synonym for the word “jerk,” as in “That guy is a real [jerk].” For the purposes of WKLs GLsFussLRn, KRZHYHU, ZH ZLOO call the game “Gopherhole.”

The object of the game is to get rid of one’s cards. It reminded me a lot of the game UNO. But this game has the added attraction of FUHDWLYH nDPLnJ FRnYHnWLRns DnG musical chairs. And, of course, WKHUH Ls sRPH GULnNLnJ LnYROYHG.

The winner of each hand is called sRPHWKLnJ ,’YH DOUHDGy IRUJRWWHn, so we’ll call it “Grand Poohbah.” The person who gets rid of all her cards next is the “Assistant Grand Poohbah.” The person who gets rid of her cards second to last is the “Assistant Gopherhole” and the last person holding a card is the “Gopherhole.”

One’s order in getting rid of cards determines where one sits for the next hand, hence the musical chairs portion of the game. And so it goes.

Fortunately for me, the women seemed content enough to allow me a seat at the table, as long as I NHSW UHODWLYHOy TuLHW. As D IRUPDOOy WUDLnHG REsHUYHU, , FDn Rn RFFDsLRn keep my piehole closed long enough WR DFWuDOOy REsHUYH sRPHWKLnJ. AnG here is what I learned about playing cards with a group of women:

• 7KHy DUH SUHWWy KDUG Rn WKHPsHOYHs DERuW KRZ WKHy ORRN DW WKLs sWDJH RI WKHLU OLYHs, DnG IUDnNOy, WKHy DUH EHLnJ unIDLU WR WKHPsHOYHs. 7KHy all looked fabulous, just like they did when they were about 28 years old. I made sure to stay out of the crosshairs on that one when the opportunity presented itself by saying, “You all look fabulous, just like you did when you were 25.” (Although I didn’t exactly adhere to the “Mike Needs to Just Shut Up Rule,” I did cut three more years off the age comment just to be safe.)

• 6DOWy ODnJuDJH Ls nRW H[FOusLYHOy limited to men’s card games. Listen, ,’YH sRPHWLPHs JRW PRUH sDOW Ln Py language than there is in the Atlantic Ocean, so I am familiar with the words. But I am not exaggerating when I say the language used in this FDUG JDPH ZRuOG KDYH PDGH sDLORUs, truckers and pirates blush. I will add, KRZHYHU, WKDW ZKHn SODyLnJ FDUGs, women seem to spit and scratch a whole lot less than men do, which I think is probably a good thing.

• 3DyLnJ DWWHnWLRn WR WKH FDUG JDPH DnG nRW WR WKH FROG DGuOW EHYHUDJHs Ls Dn HIIHFWLYH ZDy WR sWDy RuW RI WKH GRSKHUKROH FKDLU — ZKLFK Ls H[DFWOy ZKDW , GLG DOO HYHnLnJ. ,n IDFW, I didn’t lose a hand the entire time, WKus , GLGn’W KDYH WR sZLWFK FKDLUs. 1RW RnFH. HHy, ,’P D FRPSHWLWLYH guy when it comes to card playing. , GRn’W EHOLHYH WKH ZRPHn UHDOL]HG this until it was time for The Blonde AFFRunWDnW DnG PH WR OHDYH. AnG UDWs, , ZLsK , FRuOG KDYH WKH sDPH kind of winning luck at the casinos in Atlantic City, where there is actual PRnHy LnYROYHG.

But it was a fun and entertaining HYHnLnJ DnG , TuLWH HnMRyHG SODying cards with the Friends of TBA. It’s a good group and I hope we get to play more cards on our next sKRUH YDFDWLRn.

At the risk of sounding too much like a gopherhole, I plan on winnLnJ HYHUy KDnG WKH nH[W WLPH, WRR. Deal the cards, ladies.

Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Newspapers and author of the book, “Dancing in My Underwear: The Soundtrack of My Life.” He can be reached by calling 215-542-0200, ext. 415, or by email at msquared35@yahoo. com. This column can be found at www.montgomerynews.com.