Woman wants to get out of her own way

DEAR AMY >> I recently received some news, and went to tell my husband.

I didn’t realize that I was interrupting a work issue, and he snapped and said, “You don’t have to tell me everything, and ask so many questions.”

Later that day, my boss had an hour-long talk with me about how I’m not enough of a team player.

My husband later apologized (it’s incredibly rare for him to show frustration like that), but now I can’t get that day of my head.

I’ve always been a chatty, outgoing person. I’ve been raised to ask questions if I don’t know the answers. I’m enthusiastic and when I show an interest in something, I love hearing what people have to say.

I can’t stop thinking that I’ve actually just been annoying people my whole life, and that my co-workers, who I thought I got along with, may find me hard to work with.

We have just started a fertility journey, which has me worried. My mom has had some health concerns, and I’ve been helping her out.

Plus, the pandemic. I know there are real stressors out there.

But that one day has me thinking that just being ME is wrong, that I’m annoying, and that I need to fundamentally change.

How can I get out of my own head?

— Annoying

DEAR ANNOYING >> My theory is that the pandemic has caused many of us to journey — perhaps too far — into our own heads.

Let’s establish that “being you” is NOT wrong, but stress will amplify some habits and insecurities.

It is normal to ruminate about a challenging job review, but when you are confronted with critical feedback, the healthiest thing to do is to use it to make whatever adjustments you can.

You received an hourlong directive from your boss, but you don’t offer specifics. Is that because you weren’t able to hear anything beyond, “You’re not enough of a team player,” due to the whooshing sound in your head?

It is a challenge to pause and actively listen, when you are an enthusiastic talker (trust me, I know!). Some of your questions might seem redundant to people who believe they have already addressed them — were you listening? You cannot change your temperament (you seem bubbly and lively, which is wonderful), but you CAN change your habits.

I highly recommend the book “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters,” by journalist Kate Murphy (2020, Celadon Books). Murphy describes listening as less a behavior than a state of mind. She also quotes Calvin Coolidge (!) who said, “Nobody ever lost his job by listening too much.”

DEAR AMY >> “Line Cook” reported being extremely aggravated by the chef’s constant whistling in the kitchen.

This person should research “misophonia,” which is an extreme aversion to certain sounds. I’m surprised you didn’t mention this.

— Fellow Sufferer