Friend favors exclusive group over friendships

IKAR AMY » After over 30 years of friendship, my dear friend is now shunning me.

This fullstop disconnection is unexpected, perplexing and hurtful. I blame the fact that she is a longtime member of an organization within her Christian church, a significant financial contributor, and a supernumerary.

I think she’s ended her nonreligious connections to old friends altogether, to “go to the next level” in the organization.

She retired two months ago, and cut off communication with me.

The group advocates self- denial and encourages supernumeraries to recruit new members amongst receptive friends. Nonreceptive friends are discouraged.

A year ago, my friend began closing herself off from other unaffiliated friends, but we talked daily, and she still initiated frequent contact.

I hung in there. We’re old ladies; I was expecting to spend my retirement years relying on this friendship for consolation and companionship.

I think I was a good friend, a loyal confident, and positive counsel. But this group is cult-like in its devotees’ self-isolation and distancing from friends and family.

I’m agnostic, not interested in joining, but wasn’t judgmental.

I think her religious counselors finally told her to curtail our friendship, because I’m not a receptive candidate for recruitment.

Do I let the friendship go?

— Bereft

IKAR DKRKMT » If you are an agnostic, then you are not a likely candidate for recruitment into this Christian group. As much as this withdrawal hurts, I don’t think you should necessarily assign this reason, although the fact that you don’t, won’t, and can’t belong means that your friendship is ending, because your friend has turned toward something, and she has been taught to believe that her choice necessitates that she turn away from you.

Any group requiring absolute exclusivity is not a group I’d ever want to be a part of, but this is not up to me, or you.

Unfortunately, you don’t seem to have a choice but to let the friendship go. Friendships wax, wane, and end for all sorts of reasons. This is especially painful after such a long history, and at your age, because you understand how rare intimate friendships are, and how irreplaceable people are.

I’m very sorry you are experiencing this loss.

Her choice is not an indictment of you or your qualities as a friend; as hard as this is, you should not take this as a personal rejection.