Near the end, a friend withdraws
ikAR RkAikRS >> Every year during this time I step away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you enjoy these “Best
Of” Q&As from 10 years ago.
Today’s topic is: Surviving loss. ikAR AMY >> Last year a good friend was diagnosed with cancer and embarked on chemotherapy treatment.
I let her know I would be there for whatever she needed, and until recently our friendship didn’t seem to change. She had always been very active, and we continued to spend time together. I took my cue from her as to whether she wanted to talk about her illness.
Last month she got the news that her chemo was failing and that her situation seems terminal. She suddenly ceased all communication with me — no answers to emails or phone messages.
I don’t know her other friends well enough to have contact information, so I don’t know if she has withdrawn from everyone.
She does have very strong, close family support, so at least I know she’s not alone in this. But I can’t help but feel that she has abandoned me. Not knowing how she is, and not having contact information for her family (they all seem to be unlisted), I’m in the dark as to whether she’s at home or in hospice or what, and it’s breaking my heart.
I guess all I can do is continue to email, send cards and post encouraging messages on her Facebook page. Any other suggestions?
— Brokenhearted ikAR DROKkNHkARTki >> When facing the end of life, some people withdraw from all but a very small circle of people. You are right; this is heartbreaking, but this is what this individual wants to do. If you are in touch with your friend on Facebook, you also should be able to contact at least one of her family members through Facebook to see how she is.
Remember that they are also in a crisis moment in their lives.
Hospice care is a great gift to the dying and those who love them. A hospice counselor could speak with you, so at the very least you would understand the process in order not to take this personally, and to ease your own pain and feelings of loss.
Your local hospital should be able to connect you with a hospice volunteer.
(April 2011)
ikAR AMY >> “Brokenhearted Old Friend” was devastated when her dying friend withdrew all contact from her. I had a similar experience with a relative. I didn’t understand why this person would choose to distance herself from many near and dear to her as she approached the end of her life, but a hospice volunteer told me that this is common.
— Sad Relative
ikAR SAi >> Respecting the wishes of a dying person — even as they draw inward — is one of the burdens of being a survivor.
The San Francisco 49ers’ free agency needs could balloon if they let too many of their own players walk.
First, Trent Williams’ financial fate could dictate how the offensive line is reframed and how much money is available for other spots.
Second, an entirely new cornerback unit is possible, thanks to not having any of their top six options under contract for 2021.
All told, the 49ers could be left with only 10 of the 22 starters from their Super Bowl loss just 13 1/2 months ago.
Such vast turnover is unlikely. At least a couple free agents figure to return, whether that’s because of loyalty or the harsh reality of a stingy marketplace thanks to a reduced salary cap.
Here are the 49ers’ top three needs, which doesn’t include quarterback because there simply isn’t a plausible upgrade to Jimmy Garoppolo available:
1. Defensive end
Instead of being obsessed over Garoppolo’s fate or his potential successor, the 49ers’ marquee player to watch this offseason is Nick Bosa, whose