In this relationship, the ‘comfort zone’ is a Twilight Zone
DEAR AMY >> My partner and I have been fighting nonstop. He wants me to step out of my comfort zone. I have tried.
I let my best friend stay over for a weekend, despite the overwhelming anxiety that something might happen between them while she was with us.
Now, he keeps making passing remarks that if she stays over again, and something happens, it wouldn’t be anyone’s fault. He also thinks that it would definitely get me out of my comfort zone.
There is one problem: I would never agree to something like that.
I feel like he is using the comfort zone thing as a gateway.
Am I being too paranoid, or am I just blind? To me, he sounds shady.
Any advice would be appreciated.
— Anxious Wreck in
Georgia
DEAR ANXIOUS WRECK >>
My instant reaction is that you should stay in your comfort zone, and very definitely and defiantly push your partner out of it.
You cleverly describe his “comfort zone” admonitions as a “gateway” — presumably toward him getting what he wants but there is a more common term for what he is doing, and it is called: “gaslighting.”
Gaslighting (taken from the wonderful old movie, “Gaslight,”) is when a partner uses their power and influence to basically weaponize another’s insecurity, and then use it against them.
Your guy is being fairly transparent about what he wants, and instead of dealing with your refusal, he is trying to convince you that YOU and your silly need to stay in your comfort zone are the problem.
Furthermore, he is insinuating that you are actually at fault for the fact that he is a manipulative jerk, that your refusal is “anxiety,” and that your suspicions mean that you are “paranoid.”
You are not paranoid. Somebody really IS out to get you.
DEAR AMY >> “At a Loss” described how her fiancé had placed a “tracker” on her phone.
You suggested that she should send her phone to Cleveland.
I am very offended that you seem to be disrespecting Cleveland, which is a wonderful place.
— Offended
DEAR OFFENDED >> I’ve heard from several people who seem to have missed the fact that I was jokingly suggesting that this person might really throw off her fiancé by shipping her phone — somewhere.
Cleveland being the suggested destination was quite beside the point. My apologies to sensitive Clevelanders.