Mother frets about daughter's alcoholism

DEAR AMY >> I have a 49-year-old daughter who is an elementary school teacher. She became an alcoholic during COVID. She has a master's degree, a beautiful home, and a partner of nine years.

She will lose it all, due to her drinking.

She won't go to AA, and I have suggested inpatient rehab — to no avail.

It is breaking my heart. Her father died from cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism at 57, and I'm scared I will lose her, too.

She has a twin sister and a brother.

Do you have any suggestions besides Al-Anon?

— Scared Mom

DEAR SCARED >> Your daughter is aware of the worst-case outcome if her addiction spirals, untreated, and if she is unable to attain and maintain sobriety. She knows this because she has felt the consequences and the loss from end-stage alcoholism. Your whole family has had real-life exposure to the danger of this addiction.

But she is an addict. Aside from therapy and Al-Anon (or another “friends and family” support program), my suggestion is to love your daughter through this. Maintain frequent contact, spend time together, and maintain your relationship as well as you can, aside from her addiction. Offer her a judgment-neutral safe harbor so she won't become isolated, and encourage her to seek treatment without letting her alcoholism become her primary identity in your relationship.

Those are some things you can do for her.

For your own sake, you should maintain some boundaries. Don't serve alcohol to her in your home. Don't make excuses for her. Don't let her alcoholism run your life. Offer to support her recovery, but don't enable her addiction. Read, or reread, “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself,” by Melody Beattie (2022, Hazelden).

DEAR AMY >> “Puzzled Parents” insisted that their daughter had to get As and Bs in college.

I think you were offbase in calling this rule “dumb.”

College is ridiculously expensive. We told our daughters: “If I am getting out of bed every morning to earn money to pay your tuition, you are getting out of bed to go to class and get at least a B. Or you will foot that bill.”

All four of our daughters were held to this standard. Not all of them believed us until they were due to pay their loans.

The thing is, college isn't for everyone. And college isn't for everyone aged 18.

After a year, if the child/ adult isn't sure she can get good grades, she should be examining other life choices and education.

These parents are not dumb or wrong, but trying to raise a responsible person.

— Not Puzzled

DEAR NOT PUZZLED >> You make great points — thank you.