Mom worries about her daughter’s rage

DEAR AMY » I have a 24-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. I’ve raised them on my own.

The two of them are like night and day.

My son is extremely kind, does anything for me, and treats me with love and respect.

My daughter is always very rude. She starts arguments with both her brother and with me over nothing. She puts the blame on everyone else and refuses to talk about it. I can ask her what time it is, and she will be convinced that I yelled at her.

I love her so much, but I avoid even talking to her because I can’t stand the constant conflict. I worry that if she is like this to others she will live a very lonely life. I’ve even tried writing a letter, hoping she would try to understand I’m not ever trying to argue with her.

I’m at my wits’ end. How do I get her to understand that no one is out to get her? I’m just trying to connect with her. I want her to understand that I’m not going to live forever; I don’t want her looking back with regret that she didn’t try harder. Worse than that, I worry that she will finally realize that she completely misunderstood every situation and caused all of this emotional pain for both of us. This included one instance of her becoming physically abusive to me.

I had a wonderful relationship with my

mom. It saddens me that I don’t have one with my daughter.

I’m signing this with my tears. — A Very Sad Mother

DEAR SAD » Physically attacking you puts your daughter’s behavior in an alarming category. If she lives in your home, she should find somewhere else to live.

However, your letter contains some hyperbolic cues — and I wonder if your daughter might have inherited some tendencies from you. For instance, has she really misunderstood every single interaction between the two of you? Every single one?

Have you ever examined your own behavior to see if you might have made even one choice during her upbringing that might have contributed to her attitude?

Did she experience a trauma of some kind that might have thrown her off course?

“I won’t be around forever, and you’ll be sorry when I’m gone” is a fairly manipulative approach — it also puts your needs and perspective front and center.

Urge her to get professional help to talk through some of her challenges.

If you want to try to change the dynamic, you should stop being afraid of your daughter’s reactions. And don’t compare her to her angelic brother.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson. com and follow her on Twitter @askingamy.