Sister needs support to leave marriage

DEAR AMY » I have a sister in her 30s, who has been married for a few years to a man that my family and I thought very highly of — until recently, when his true colors came out.

A few months ago, he and my sister had an argument and he sent a text to our entire family saying horrible and vulgar things about her.

This was just the beginning. As it turns out he is very controlling. He treats her with disrespect in front of their children. He makes her feel like everything she does is wrong.

She was always such a self-assured young woman. It breaks my heart to see her going through this and questioning herself. She even said to me recently that his actions make her wonder if she deserves to be treated badly. That made me so sad for her. I reassured her that no one deserves to be treated this way!

I went through this for far too long with my ex-husband, so I know exactly what she is dealing with, and yet, I don’t know what to do for her. She’s not to the point of wanting to leave yet. She says she still loves him. I know it might take time.

What can I do for her in the meantime? — Heavy-Hearted Sister

DEAR SISTER » You have insight into this sad situation because you experienced it yourself, and so you should treat your sister the way you wish you had been treated.

Remember how you felt when you were in her shoes, and behave with empathy, patience, and understanding.

People in abusive partner relationships have many competing agendas, including worrying about their children, economic pressure, feeling repressed, intimidated, frightened, and alone. They also risk being harshly judged for staying in the relationship.

Leaving an abusive relationship is also often a dangerous flashpoint.

Don’t lecture your sister, or issue ultimatums. Tell her, “I love you, I’m worried that you are losing yourself, and I am here to help you and the kids whenever you need it. I’m on your side forever, and I’m not leaving.” Do not focus too much on her husband and his behavior (she may become defensive) but keep the focus consistently on her.

DEAR AMY » Thank you for your thoughtful reply to “Upset Wife,” who felt her husband should stop calling his siblings until they reciprocated.

I would add that it is not her (or her husband’s) job to make them better siblings. It is his job to be the best brother he can be, and it seems he is succeeding in this.

Peace of mind came for me when I accepted the fact that if people COULD do better, they WOULD do better. It was only important that I do the best I could. — Grateful for No Regrets

DEAR GRATEFUL » The wisdom you’ve shared provides a key which I believe unlocks the door to healthier relationships.