Elderly dad’s care requires team effort
Dear Harriette: My father is in a nursing home, and he recently fell. He needs more care than this place has to offer. My sister, who lives in the area, has been handling things, but now we have to make tough decisions. She has been asking me andmy brother to weigh in so that she doesn’t have to do everything herself. I feel weird about that.
Since I’m not there, how can I really be of help? I can’t see what’s going on with him, while she has much more access. I feel like she should have full authority to do whatever she thinks is right. My brother, on the other hand, has lots of opinions. She seems to be OK with what he has to say. I feel uncomfortable chiming in. What do you recommend that I do? — Daddy Issues
Dear Daddy Issues: It can feel burdensome for the local adult child to have to make all the decisions for an ailing parent. Your sister has asked for your opinion because she values it and needs it. It actually is selfish of you not to share your thoughts, whatever they are. Your sister honestly needs your support.
Pay close attention to what’s happening with your father. Do research when required. Learn as much as you can about what he is facing so that you can offer informed recommendations or thoughts when she asks. You can also be crystal clear that while you are happy to supply information, you defer to her in the decision-making, as she is the one on the ground seeing the situation play out in real time.
Dear Harriette: My mother has been hospitalized for COVID-19 for two weeks now, and the experience for the family has been horrible. Rarely can we get a nurse on the phone to give us updates. The doctor seems to be a phantom. Only once have we been able to reach him. The nurses have asked us to stop calling so much because we are disrupting their day. We have countered by asking if anyone can put our mother on the phone just so we can hear her voice. We aren’t certain of the status of her condition and don’t know what to do to receive better communication. What do you recommend? — Disconnected
Dear Disconnected: Even all these months after COVID-19 began ravaging our communities and straining our hospital capacity, lingering problems of poor communication, and sometimes neglectful care, plague us. I have no magic bullet, but I have talked to some people in the field and can make some simple recommendations.
Assign one family member as the designated contact person. This will help the hospital staff to have one person to talk to and to contact with updates. Call the hospital in between shifts when nurses are more likely to be at the nurses’ station. Be kind and clear. Ask for specific information as calmly as you can. Build a rapport with nurses if at all possible. If they care about you and your mother, your chances increase for finding out key details of your mother’s status and care. Contact a supervisor if you are getting no results. Reserve sharp tones for moments when you need to escalate in order to advocate for your mother.