Friend wants to weigh in on troubled teen

DEAR AMY » My friend and co-worker has a teenage son (age 15) who has unfortunately been in trouble for most of his life. This has gotten worse the older he gets. (I am not talking about small incidents either. There has been racism, violence, and other problems that are serious.)

He has been disciplined several times already at school, and now is currently attending the “alternative” school and has been kicked off both band and athletics, in which he excelled.

She seems to have rosecolored glasses on and does not seem to understand the severity of his actions, nor the recourse for them. She is also extremely hard-headed and must always be right (*sigh*).

She has asked my opinion several times and I have generally deferred, knowing it will upset her. Should I tell her what I think, or simply let it go? I confess it is hard to watch because no good can come from the path he is currently traveling down.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

— A Friend

DEAR A » If you have personal or professional experience dealing with an extremely challenging teenager, then you should weigh in (when invited) supportively and share every ounce of expertise and commiseration you can.

In short, can you actually help her? If so, you should.

Merely stating your opinion about how badly her son is messing up (or highlighting the severity of his offenses so she’ll pay closer attention) might make you feel righteous — and right — but wouldn’t offer a pathway toward change.

The way you present your friend’s personality, I could imagine that there are ways her own temperament might have contributed to her son’s behavior. Again, offering an indictment of her personality or parenting style isn’t likely to inspire change.

If you lack expertise and experience, you might gain traction by asking questions: Has she been offered professional help? Has he? Has she been following professional recommendations?

Listen to her answers with compassion, and if she asks you what she should do, say, “Every child is different. I can’t really say what YOU should do, but I can tell you what I would try to do.” If she responds defensively, you’ll know that she isn’t ready or able to listen.

There is no one answer in how to parent a troubled child. It is a very long and lonely road. Be extremely judicious in doling out advice, while offering support in abundance.

DEAR AMY » “About to Blow” didn’t like to be asked how much money they paid for things.

My mother always said, “There are three things I do not discuss: My age; my weight; and my money - in that order.”

That shut up nosy people pretty quickly.

Hope this helps. She lived to 99-½.

DEAR SMRT » I may be borrowing her wisdom.