Putdowns have gone on for years

Dear Harriette: I have an older sister who has been mean to me since we were kids. We are now in our 50s. We don’t talk often, but I can count on her saying something rude or mean to me whenever we do talk. She is so consistent, I honestly don’t think she realizes how awful she is.

I used to get very upset about her comments. Now I usually ignore her. But recently, she went in hard, bringing up old memories of me when I was an awkward teenager and pointing out how awkward I was. She went on and on about just about anything she could remember that used to make me squirm. I tried to deflect.

At one point I said, “That’s enough.” But she didn’t stop. I have talked to her about this before, but it doesn’t ever end. How can I have a better handle on how she talks to me? — Mean Sister

Dear Mean Sister: Decide that you aren’t going to put up with it anymore. When your sister begins to go in on you, tell her you have to go, and hang up. Literally stop talking to her as soon as she starts to insult you. Even if it feels like you are hanging up on her all the time, be consistent. If you do not give her an audience, her vitriol should lose steam. Either she will get the message and curb her rudeness or she won’t, but either way, you will not have to listen to it anymore.

Dear Harriette: I have been home for months, like everybody else. I have told myself that I can use this time to get my house in order. But I haven’t done it. I work a lot and then I just feel too tired to do housework afterward.

This is not good, though. I have way too much stuff and need to do some serious purging. How can I get motivated to do this? It hasn’t happened yet. — Clean Up

Dear Clean Up: I am a big believer in lists. Think about the big picture. What do you want your home to look like in six months? What will it take to get there? Go room by room and make an assessment of what you have to do to get your place in order

Make lists by room. Write down each step that you think it will take for you to clean out that room. Define the steps in small enough increments that you can track success easily. For example, in your bathroom, you may list checking all beauty products and throwing out anything you don’t use and sorting through towels to discard old ones.

Have a plan for where your discarded items will go. Some items may be trash, but others may be great for giving to those in need. Be sure to map out the exit strategy for items, because the process of purging will make more mess for a period of time.

If you keep your momentum you will be able to reach your goal. Do something every day, and you will feel successful during the process.

Dear Harriette: My fiancee and I are police officers. We met on the job, and I would tell her while we were dating that one day I would marry her, and she could quit the job so I would know she would be safe.

Now that we are engaged, I brought up the topic of her quitting, and she just keeps brushing it off and making excuses. I didn’t make a fuss because I know she loves the job. Now she is pregnant and still wants to work desk duty until she delivers the baby and wants to return to work after delivering the baby. I don’t think we both need to be working full-time and putting our newborn baby into daycare. How can I approach this conversation and get her to understand where I am coming from? — Stay at Home

Dear Stay at Home: It sounds like you told your fiancee many times that you would make it possible for her to stop working after you were married. Did you ever ask her if that’s what she wanted? Your note sounds like you made the presumption that she agreed. Did she ever tell you her desires?

Right now, it sounds like she clearly wants to keep working. You two have to work this out together. You cannot decide for her what she is going to do. As a family, you need to talk it out, figure out options for child care and your careers. Just because you’re thinking makes perfect sense to you does not mean that she shares your beliefs. Do your best not to try to coerce her into your way of thinking. Talk it out and make a plan together.