In-law grabs child’s name for email address

DEAR AMY » My wife and I have been married for 24 years. We have three daughters;

22, 20 and 14.

My mother-inlaw died 16 years ago. My fatherin- law has had a live- in partner,

“Becky,” for seven years. They live on the other side of the country.

Becky doesn’t have children. She is self- absorbed and mainly relates to people through her own accomplishments and experiences.

She takes very good care of my father-inlaw, who we all agree would likely be dead by now without her. They enjoy each other’s company, so we manage our relationship with this in mind.

Becky likes to tell everyone that our kids are her grandkids without making any other efforts to earn the title (no real contact, except through us). We have accepted this.

Recently, Becky created a new email address for herself that uses the name of our youngest daughter, “Mary Beth.” Becky’s email handle is now: marybeth@ [etc].com.

It is embarrassing for everyone, and totally irritates my wife, her sister and others in our family. We would never tell Mary Beth, because we fear she would feel violated and further separate from the only “grandmotherly” figure she has ever known.

Should we ask her to change it? Should we preemptively discuss the email address with our daughter?

— Stuck in SoCal

DEAR STUCK »

“Becky,” marshaling all of the characteristics you mention, has managed to crash through a boundary. No person with a shred of insight into the mind of a 14-year- old girl would dare use the girl’s name as their email handle. I shudder to even think of it.

Tell her, “Hi, this is a little awkward, but we notice that you are using Mary Beth’s name as your email address. We are uncomfortable with this, for privacy reasons, and although we have not discussed this with Mary Beth, we are certain that she would object to it, also. We are all so grateful for the light you bring into Dad’s life; we’re hoping you could change this email handle before it becomes too officially your own.”

Becky might respond, “Mary Beth should be honored! She’s my favorite granddaughter, after all.”

And that’s when you let the chips gently fall.

If you have given Becky a heads- up and she chooses to ignore it, then she will face a consequential change in Mary Beth’s attitude toward her.