Couples under stress after year of COVID

With the extended health emergency brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic nearing a year, couples and marriages have experienced changes in their dynamic.

As shared by psychologist and therapist Melinda Myers, the health of the relationship at the start of the first stay-at-home orders and measured is a large factor in how couples have fared throughout the last 12 months.

“If a couple had good differentiation, meaning if they were good at being close and but also good at having separate routines, they would have a bit more resilience here than a relationship where one or both people over- or under-function,” she explained.

Myers points to four components which people generally seek out in an arrangement, connection, affection, protection and attention, which are exchanged at different rates and experienced differently by people.

It is when a person is trying to compensate or under function that stress can be created with prolonged time at home and domestic stressors such as childcare, bills and chores.

“This would be a stressful situation as the person over functioning might be taking extra energy from their kids, if they have kids in the relationship, so they may feel close to imploding while the person who is under functioning might get more helpless when overstressed,” Myers said.

Steadiness of effort and interaction are good indicators of overall strength, as Myers has observed, when compared to arrangements where one person might feel insecure while apart from their partner. Differentiation between personal time and interests is something she considers quite healthy, as people need time on their own and oftentimes interests, from hobbies to media, can generate partner interest as well.

“I tend to see more strength in the kind of steadiness of couples who have a nice rhythm who respect each other and don’t get threatened when their partner needs a couple hours to themselves,” Myers elaborated.

But no matter how solid a foundation a couple living together might have, changes which have come during the pandemic period were ones many were not prepared to face.

With some one person working at home while the other works outside the home, worries of exposure to the coronavirus are quite common and can lead to a rearrangement of roles, with the person leaving the house taking on extra duties such as grocery shopping and running errands.

Being mindful of the added stressors and someone’s new needs is important.

“Even the strongest couples are seeing themselves stressed out, but are acknowledging it. Even if they can’t fix everything, at least they can say to each other ‘I see you and what you’re doing’ and are often tag teaming to help with the kids or whatever,” Myers shared. “The strongest couples are doing that, they’re respecting the stress level and paying attention to it.”

Going beyond relationships, Myers also pointed out the past year’s isolation has increased feelings of loneliness in many people. While stretches of alone time of varying lengths are necessary for most people, loneliness is dangerous and can have negative health effects.

Phone calls and chats via Zoom have become popular mediums to connect through in the past year, but can feel empty or unfulfilling for several people. Myers shared many people do not feel like these are enough, but also noted people are creating more meaningful interactions though these remote platforms.

“People are doing creative things. A friend had dinner via Zoom with a parent and they weren’t trying to be conversant throughout, but they were preparing and sharing a meal,” she commented. “There are lots of people playing Dungeons and Dragons via Zoom, and overall there are lots of ways to use technology to keep us from being lonely, but you have to reach out to do it.”