Sibling rivalry puts sib in the middle

DEAR AMY >> My brother and sister live very close to one another in our hometown.

Until recently,

I lived in another state — 2,000 miles away. As siblings, we’ve always been very close.

I recently lost my husband, and after his death I decided to move back home.

My sister tells me that my brother talks behind my back, and my brother tells me that my sister talks behind my back.

This is grade school garbage.

I love them both and I don’t know who to believe.

They no longer talk to one another, and I feel like I’m in the middle.

They can’t even be in the same room together. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

— Stuck in the Middle

DEAR STUCK >> Your experience reminds me of being trapped between my two (occasionally) warring sisters in the back of our mother’s Plymouth Duster.

It was an occasionally tough experience, but great training for two professions: Line judge at Wimbledon, or what I do now, which is listening, watching, and — when invited — weighing in.

Start with this: Do not believe either sibling’s account of the other sibling’s behavior.

For instance, if they aren’t talking to one another, then how do they know that the other sibling is trash-talking you behind your back?

You have the right to draw and enforce boundaries. If you don’t mind listening sympathetically to one sibling vent about the other, then go ahead and passively engage. Understand, however, that these two may use your allegiance as a spoil in their private war, which will affect your ability to have a relationship with either one.

You do not need to mediate or solve anything for them. You DO need to tell the truth to both about how their behavior makes you feel: “I moved across the continent to be closer to you both. I hope you will find a way to mend fences, because life is short, and I will not choose between you. Currently, however, I find you both very annoying.”

DEAR STUMPED >> These people slid through a loophole of sorts, and while what they did might be technically allowable, it is deceptive and unethical, and, if they are educators, they know it. All the same, they may believe they have valid reasons to justify their choice (the need to step up and care for aging parents, for instance).

It isn’t necessary to say anything to them. If they wonder why you are being silent, you can tell them, “I’m disappointed by your decision to place yourself ahead of classroom teachers and others in order to get vaccinated. I don’t enjoy passing judgment on you, but from where I sit, it just seems wrong.”