Has ex-girlfriend really changed?

Dear Harriette: My exgirlfriend contacted me recently. The only reason we broke up was because I cannot trust her discernment in most issues in life. However, if she managed to change the way she deals with certain issues, I would be willing to give it another chance. It’s only been a few months since our split. Am I unrealistic for expecting her to have changed in a major way since then? — Not Over It

Dear Not Over It: You are asking for something from your ex-girlfriend that, quite frankly, is unreasonable. You said that you “cannot trust her discernment in most issues in life.” That is a huge thing to declare. For you to wish that in a few months your ex somehow has cultivated a new level of judgment is unrealistic.

You have to decide if you can accept her for who she is, questionable discernment and all. If you cannot, let her go. You will only be torturing yourself and her if you get back together with the hope that she can be or become something that she is not. My mother often says, “To know her is to know that.” She has said this over the years when I have wanted someone to behave differently than what they have shown their behavior to be. Open your eyes, my dear, and be willing to see your ex for who she is.

Dear Harriette: The other day, I got written up at work. I saw it coming, so it didn’t really surprise me that much. I know I haven’t been performing very well at this new position, but I have no idea why, and it’s been discouraging. I feel like I’m at risk of losing my job, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been doing my best, but recently my best doesn’t seem to be enough. Should I quit and start over with another employer or stick it out? — Sick of Work

Dear Sick of Work: This period has been stressful for many people. Perhaps your difficulty at work is about more than the job. Look around at your world. What’s going on? What do you feel is working well? What is difficult? Your housing? Your family situation? Your finances? Your health? Take a moment to think seriously about your life and what needs to change. Then, consider what you can do to make your life better.

I do not recommend leaving a job to find another. Being without employment in the middle of the pandemic may turn out to be even more challenging than what you are experiencing now. Instead, talk to your boss and ask what they can recommend for you to do better. Ask for specifics. Acknowledge that you know you haven’t been at the top of your game and that you want to do better. With guidance, you may be able to improve.

If you want to do something else, continue to improve your behavior and attitude at work as you begin to look for new jobs. You will want and need a recommendation from this employer, so do your best.