Talk to boyfriend about expectations

DEAR HARRIETTE » I got into a verbal argument with a man at a bar, and my boyfriend did not step in to defend me. I feel that as my boyfriend, it is his job to defend my honor at all times. The man did not get physical with me or threaten me in any way, but the simple fact that he was raising his voice at me should have set off my boyfriend. I felt like a fool for being there with him while he just stood there and watched me get disrespected. Is this grounds for a breakup?

— Bar Fight

DEAR BAR FIGHT » Did you talk to your boyfriend about the incident? What did he say his reason was for staying silent? I wonder if he thought that by jumping in, he would ignite an already-dangerous situation. That is not to say he should have let this argument continue without supporting you. It is a potential reason for why he decided to stand down.

I don’t know that you should break up over this, but you do need to talk. Ask him what he feels his role is in your relationship, and what he considers his responsibilities to be. Get him to talk about his values and beliefs. Tell him yours. Do not assume that you believe the same things. Use this moment to be crystal clear about what you want from him and how disappointed you were that he did not defend you at the bar.

Sometimes women present themselves as so strong that their partners or others do not think that they need help in any situation. The Superwoman persona that many women adopt can make it confusing for a significant other to feel that there is even space for jumping to their rescue. Know this. That’s why you two need to talk so that you can get on the same page about expectations.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.