Four simple rules for disagreements

I can’t believe it. I know it happens every single year. But every year I am surprised by it. The holidays are upon us. It’s happening again.

That said, holidays bring relatives together — for better or for worse — and as much as we’d like to think that’s all rainbows and fairy dust, not all family gatherings are blissful. Oft times, they more resemble a cage fight.

So, to that end, some rules facilitate how to disagree agreeably (well, sorta). It’s called “Fair Fighting.”

Step one is to realize that even the finest communicators — with the more honorable intentions — occasionally find themselves in hot water. Communication is far from an exact science, and even when it’s not our fault, the Big Hairy Argument Monster still tromps into our lives, especially after the last couple of years we’ve gone through. We cannot avoid him, try as we may.

So, when you find yourself at loggerheads, it’s essential to understand that how you handle it makes an enormous, long-lasting difference. By making a simple agreement on how to disagree, we add a basic structure that keeps things moving forward, clears things up quicker, and prevents long-lasting, lingering bad feelings, which could damage relationships.

Rule No. 1: Begin with “I”

Too often, when we argue, we say things like, “You always do that!” or pass the buck by shouting, “Everyone thinks you’re rude.” Being uncomfortable with our feelings, we look for others to validate what we feel or we try to quickly lay blame on our opponent.

Starting with “I” (such as “I feel…” or “I think…” or “I want…”) forces us to take ownership of what we say. Not only will this cause our thoughts to slow down (because we have to re-word the impulsive things we might say), but it causes us to also decide whether we want to have the statement tagged directly to us. Beyond that, it prevents the other person from denying what we say, leading to the next rule.

Rule No. 2: No denials

By removing accusations and straw-man arguments, we can now apply the second guideline. Together, these form an impressive barrier against distraction.

By ridding ourselves of the crutch that allows us to deny another’s statement, we must stay focused on what is really said — and accept that perception is reality when it comes to emotions. Besides, if I’m talking about what I feel or believe, how can anyone say I’m wrong? They might not understand, but they can’t say what goes on inside me is not real.

Rule No. 3: No cross complaints

This parameter causes us to stay on one topic.

A “cross-complaint” is the act of bringing up something off-topic. In too many disagreements, we weave hither and yon, following several side paths, getting twisted up in which goes where and who said what.

Here’s an example: Person 1: I feel you don’t take my feelings seriously.

Person 2: I think I do. Give me an example. Person 1: Last week, you told me that I was being ridiculous when I felt angry about something.

Person 2: Oh, well, in that case, I felt annoyed when you didn’t call when you said you were going to last month.

TWO did not deny ONE’s feelings but did bring up something else that bothered him.

Now, we have two concerns on the table, causing confusion, and lowering