Friend feels excluded after introductions
DEAR HARRIETTE » I introduced two of my closest friends a few months ago. I was absolutely thrilled with how much they liked each other and how well everything was going. I thought it would be so nice to be able to regularly hang out with both of them at the same time. This morning I found out that the two of them have been hanging out without me and talking pretty regularly. I didn’t know that they were hanging out — they have never once invited me out with them. I’m pretty upset about this. I have no problem with their growing friendship, but why do I have to be excluded? Am I right to be upset?
— Left Out
DEAR LEFT OUT » Friendships can be complicated. Too often that happens with friends of three, because it is common for two to connect more closely than all three as a unit. Yes, you can tell your friends that you are happy that they like each other — as you knew they would — but that it saddens you that they have excluded you from the covenant. Suggest that the three of you do something together sometimes.
Beyond that, there’s little you can do. You cannot force them to involve you in their regular conversations or get-togethers. You do not want to come off as desperate or jealous — that will not attract them to you. It is natural for your feelings to be hurt given what you have just learned. But you are going to have to accept that this is how things are unfolding right now.
DEAR HARRIETTE » My exboyfriend started dating a girl he knew through me. I don’t have any feelings for him whatsoever, but I don’t see a reason to be cordial with either of them. The girl insists on commenting on my Facebook pictures and leaving me nice messages. What is the most polite way to tell her that I want her to back off? — Not My Friend
DEAR NOT MY FRIEND » Being cordial is a sign of basic respect. I think it’s fine to be a gracious, cordial person. What you do not have to be is a friend to either of them.
Love relationships are so often difficult to navigate, especially after the fact. Some friends set rules around who can date whom. If you are close, the unwritten rule is that you don’t date your friend’s ex. If you just were friendly, the lines are not so clear. Sounds like you aren’t mad that they are dating; more, you don’t want to be a party to it at all. That’s fair.
She may feel uncomfortable that she’s dating your ex and is overcompensating for it by her sugary social media stalking. You can ignore her, unfriend her, block her or talk to her directly and ask her to back off. If you talk to her, don’t be mean. Be direct. It’s fine that she’s dating your ex, but you do not want to be a part of their lives. Ask her to stop engaging you on social.