A local school board meeting
“I don’t think parents should be telling schools what they should teach.” Terry McAuliffe, losing candidate for Virginia governor.
Taking place at a local school board meeting near you…
Checking myself out in the mirror, “Got my Kevlar helmet. Check. Tactical vest and gloves. Check. Got my six-foot iron flagpole with both “Don’t Tread On Me” and “Trump 2024” flags. Check. Looking good. A lot like I did on Patriot’s Day. Ready to go to battle again for freedom. Just hope none of them pesky school board security guys get in my way or I might have to give them ‘hugs and kisses,’ like I did to law enforcement on January 6th.”
It’s a packed local school board meeting, so I sit up in the front of the room waving my flags and yelling a lot until it’s my turn to speak. I walk to the front podium and grab the microphone.
“I’m Billy Bob, a parent of two children and I’m here to talk about how to teach our kids the proper way. I don’t wanna hear about any mask mandates. Seems like we just got little Susie out of diapers and now you want to put a diaper on her face. Wrong! Parents should decide how their kids live, not no school board. First thing, you’ll require a mask mandate. Next thing ya know, it’ll be vaccine mandates. I don’t think so. My body, my choice ‘cuz I’m not in Texas. I want my freedom. Don’t want no gub-ment telling me what I can and can’t do.”
From the back of the room a female parent screams out, “Did you wear seatbelts on the way over?”
“I’ve got the floor, thank you. Now, where was I… oh yeah. Don’t want any gubment in my life.”
The female parent screams out, “Aren’t you on gub-ment disability and receive gubment monthly child tax credits?”
“Still got the floor. My kids aren’t racists just ‘cuz they’re white. Don’t want anyone teaching my kids about no radical CRT. Ain’t quite sure what Critical Racist Theory means, but Fox News keeps telling me it’s bad. The way I understand, Critical Racist Theory is just another libtard way of making white people feel bad. We also gotta get the pornography and CRT out of our libraries. We need to burn them books that make our white kids feel guilty. I thought ‘Roots’ was about gardening until someone told me it was about making white people look bad. Thought ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ was about bird hunting, but no, it just makes white people look bad. ‘Brave New World’ is about teenagers having sex. ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ is about having ritualized sex with female slaves. Blasphemy! We don’t need to be teaching our kids about pornography at that age.”
The female yells out again, “Your son watches porn on his cell phone every day. Besides, have you even read any of these classics?”
“Hey now, still got the floor. I don’t read that much, except for my Facebook feed, which says that CRT should stand for a Cancerous Racism Taught. Stop making white people feel guilty. I’m ain’t your oppressor. I never stole anyone’s land. Never owned any slaves. So get over it.”
Same female yells, “It’s called history. Maybe if our kids read about it, they might learn from it.”
I hold up my hand. “Still got the floor. And what’s with shoving all this gay crap down our kid’s throats? The Bible teaches us about Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I’ve got a better acronym for L-GB-T: Liberty, Guns, Beer and Trump! And if you don’t like that I’ll just go with my shortened version, L-G-B: Let’s Go, Brandon! Trump 2024! I’m out!”
I turned to the packed house and hold up my hand with the mic in it… and release my fingers, letting the mic drop to the ground. The crowd jumps to their feet with cheers and jeers. Half of the crowd is giving me a roaring standing ovation while the other half is yelling words I can’t repeat in public. I thought them liberals were supposed to be kind people. Boy, was I wrong. I guess that’s what happens when they get triggered. One little old lady whose face was bright red with the veins bulging on her forehead told me to go fornicate myself and that I was a piece of excrement. More agressive than pro-gressive!
Welcome to school board meetings 2021.
Matthew Owen resides in Eureka, and believes the First Amendment allows for free speech.