Dating is disrupted by smoke-filled rooms
DEAR AMY » I’m a single dad. In the past six months, I have met a wonderful woman.
I’m 45 and she is 41. She does not have children of her own but is very close with her brother and two sisters, and her young nieces.
They are a very close family. They get together on Sundays.
The problem is that her father is a chronic smoker. He smokes in the house to the point where you cannot breathe, and I have been left gasping for air.
I have stopped going over to the house and will not bring my own children there. She is well aware of why I do not visit this house, and her parents ask where I am and why they never see me.
This is causing so much stress between us, as well as some fights.
I was told that talking to her father and asking him to stop smoking is not an option.
What to do?
— Non-Smoking Dad
DEAR DAD » No, you should not ask this man to stop smoking. It is his life, his house, and his addiction.
A very simple explanation for why you can’t visit this home is that you have a serious reaction when you are exposed to smoke, or the residue of it.
If this family had a passel of cats and you were allergic to dander, you would have to make a similar choice. You would not ask them to get rid of their cats, but you would very sensibly have to keep your distance from the house.
None of this precludes you becoming close to this family. You could picnic together, go on walks, invite them to your home, and take her nieces and your children on outings together.
If your friend is pressuring you to spend time inside an environment that makes you suffer, how good a friend is she to you?
This is something you should think about as you two continue to work this out.
DEAR AMY » I would love to have my nieces and nephews in my life.
When I was in my 20s, I contracted HIV. I got sick in 1979, and diagnosed in 1983.
I pulled away because I was told I was going to die in a few years.
Now at 65 — I regret it. They have their lives, and I just wish they would mail me pictures. Maybe they will read this? — Mat in Boston
DEAR MAT » I’m happy to provide a connection, but please, do your best to reach out to them, too.