Reader questions boyfriend’s sexuality
Dear Harriette: I’ve been dating this guy for a while, and I can’t shake the feeling that he might be gay. There is something about his mannerisms and demeanor that stick out to me in a different way than the other heterosexual men I’ve dated in the past. He’s kind, considerate and very thoughtful, but there is definitely something off about our relationship. He has many feminine qualities. His attitude toward other women has always stuck out to me. Even when he is speaking about women he doesn’t know that well, he has this generally irritated tone. However, when speaking about men, he often speaks very highly of them. I know I can’t jump to conclusions about things like this, but the suspicion never fades. Is this something I should ask him about? — Need To Know
Dear Need to Know: First, you need to come to terms with what you want and will accept in a relationship. In our fluid culture, where many people are not easily fitting into “gay” or “straight” labels, it is important for you to be clear on who you are and what you want in a relationship so that you can articulate that clearly to a potential partner. It could be that your guy is bisexual — he might be committed to you right now, but potentially could be interested in a man if you weren’t in the picture. How do you feel about that?
It makes perfect sense for you to talk to him about your thoughts and questions. If you can do so without judgment, chances are, you will get an honest answer. Tell him your suspicions, ask him if he is attracted to men, and ask if he has had relationships with men. Be clear with yourself about what you will do if he says yes. Will you want to continue to be with him? If so, what do you want from him? Many simply want a committed, monogamous partner. If that’s what you want, ask for it. It all boils down to what you want and need and your ability to express that and discover how he fits into your vision of your relationship.
Dear Harriette: I am working on a project with partners who are extremely difficult to work with. They don’t get along well. One is always jabbing at the other, which makes it hard to get work done. They are constantly bickering about every little thing. I like the project, though, and want to see if I can look past the arguments to the big picture. I was thinking that if I could create order in writing for how we approach specific tasks, that
might help the team get things done. I don’t mean to overstep, but the arguing wastes so much time. What do you think if I present them with a plan that creates more structure online where we record our tasks and successes and have less interaction? — Finding a Solution Dear Finding a Solution: Using technology to solve problems is smart. If you can engage software that helps streamline personal interaction and keeps track of the workflow, that may be a perfect way to support your disgruntled team. You may also recommend creating a structure for meetings when you must interact. Agendas that make it clear who is accountable for what and who speaks when may help to create order out of an otherwise fractured team. It’s worth a try.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAM LEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.