`Best friend' needs to back off
DEAR HARRIETTE >> My best friend wants to apologize for hurting me by stealing my boyfriend. The betrayal and pain caused by her actions have deeply affected me, and I am struggling to come to terms with the situation. While I appreciate her desire to apologize, the hurt and betrayal I feel are still raw and present. I want to find a way to heal from this experience and potentially mend our friendship, but I am unsure of how to move forward in a way that honors my feelings and selfrespect. I really don't know what to do anymore.
I hope you can help me find the solution to this situation. — Betrayal Vs. Friendship
DEAR BETRAYAL VS. FRIENDSHIP >> Your “best friend” needs to back off. You need time to process what happened and deal with your own feelings. Yes, she feels guilty — as she should. She should wait. Tell her that you are questioning how she can actually be your best friend and violate your friendship in that way. What does she have to say about that? Two people you love have turned their backs on you. That is not something that is easy to get over.
If your friendship can be mended, it will happen with time. You cannot rush it. When you are ready to listen to her, let her know. But truly do not feel any pressure to have that tete-a-tete anytime soon.
DEAR HARRIETTE >> Your answer to the person who was always being called too serious was wellmeaning, but maybe a bit off. I was told I was intimidating simply because of my “resting mean face,” so I tried very hard to have a more pleasant look. Unfortunately, trying so hard to look pleasant kept me from being able to concentrate on anything else. I may have seemed less intimidating, but I couldn't really pay attention to what anyone was saying. At least I looked happy, though.
During the pandemic, wearing masks definitely helped cover my grumpy face. I finally just put a sign on my desk that said, “Rumors of my nastiness are wildly exaggerated.” It helped. I still try to keep a pleasant look, but I don't worry so much about it.
And now I can concentrate on my work. — Striking a Balance
DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE >> Thanks for the clarification. Let me add that in no way am I recommending that someone become inauthentic. Instead, you should know what expressions you make and what they say about you. That doesn't mean you should get so focused on your face that you lose yourself. I recommend observing yourself in front of a mirror or even tape yourself for a period of time to see what expressions are your go-to looks. Then decide if they represent you as you want to be seen. If not, work on them. Don't let a scowl undo you.
Your idea of a sign is clever. It can work sometimes, but I still think honest and strategic selfcontrol has its place.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
If your friendship can be mended, it will happen with time. You cannot rush it. When you are ready to listen to her, let her know. But truly do not feel any pressure to have that tete-a-tete anytime soon.