USA TODAY International Edition
LESSONS IN TRUMP CALL TO WIDOW
I know from being on both ends of such calls, the key is to stop talking and listen for clues
President Trump asked for advice from his chief of staff, retired Marine general John Kelly, before making a condolence call to Myeshia Johnson, the young widow of a serviceman killed in Niger.
As a palliative care physician, I have made my share of these calls. As a widow, I received many, too. It’s only natural to seek guidance on what to say. It’s never an easy call to make, and I applaud Trump for wanting to do it right.
But as natural as the question is, “What do I say?” is the wrong question.
A condolence call should be less about talking and more about listening, about being present. The only way to know the right thing to say is to listen for clues.
Coming to terms with the loss of a loved one is a process that unfolds over time. Everyone grieves in their own way, and the same people grieve differently at different phases of bereavement. Early on, survivors of those who die suddenly tend to be in shock. Later, they begin to make meaning out of the loss. People do that differently, too. That’s why there’s no “right thing to say.”
listen and validate
The advice Trump received from Kelly doesn’t surprise me. For a high-ranking Marine, making meaning of his son’s death through the lenses of duty, patriotism and sacrifice is a good fit. In this context, “he knew what he was getting into” may well have been heard as words of comfort. And his son probably did know.
But that doesn’t make the same words “right” for every situation, and it’s not hard to imagine Army Sgt. La David Johnson's grieving wife finding them cold and even seeming to blame the victim. Indeed for many people, any words that attempt to “explain” an unwanted death come across as unfeeling. While the intention of the caller who offers “it was God’s will” is good, offering their own way of making meaning misses the mark.
So how do you know what to say? Or, more specifically, how might I have advised the president if he had asked me?
First, reflect on whether a call from you is likely to be therapeutic. As Kelly said, “There’s nothing you can do to lighten the burden on these families.” And when you don’t know the person you are calling, there is much more risk of doing harm than good. The choice to send a letter, made by many other presidents, could be less risky and even more effective, as it can be saved and reread over time.
If you decide to make a call, open the conversation with a statement of compassion. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard it must be.” Then, stop talking.
Yes, to get this right, you have to create space for the other person to inhabit, and then you have to listen closely and open your heart. The main comfort that can come from a condolence call is a sense of being heard, and even understood.
If the grieving widow or mother offers a window into how she is making meaning out of this unthinkable loss, offer validation. If she says, “He wanted nothing more than to serve his country,” offer a response like, “He was such a patriot.” Or, “We were privileged to have him serve.” Or, “You must be so proud of him.”
ears and hearts
Be ready for a response that is angry or emotional. Absorb it and validate again: “I can’t imagine how awful it must be to lose a husband (or a son or a loved one).” If you are worried that you will get defensive, don’t call. Send a card instead.
Nothing more is needed. Tell the person on the phone you are thinking of them, and say goodbye.
Our president has a tendency to talk more than he listens — but this is, unfortunately, not unique to him. Our world is full of people talking, tweeting and even writing op-eds, wanting to be heard but not wanting to hear. We might be losing the capacity to receive each other’s stories and experiences, to be curious about how others make sense of suffering, of hardship, even of joy. In some cases, I wonder whether we even pause long enough before speaking to know how we make sense of these things.
A condolence call clearly should be about listening with our ears and our hearts. But maybe there’s a lesson here that applies on a much broader scale. Let’s all try talking less and listening more. There’s a world of hurt out there.