‘Pants-down in the break room’: T.J.’s advice for your office party
NEW YORK It’s our last Christmas before Donald Trump becomes president, and T.J. Miller doesn’t want you to waste it.
“That’s the great thing about promoting a comedy during the apocalypse,” says the funnyman, who co-stars with Jason Bateman, Olivia Munn and Kate McKinnon as fun-loving employees who throw a debaucherous, R-rated Office Christmas Party (in theaters Friday) to save their tech company. “Family is not for arguing and fighting this year. It’s for getting together and remembering what’s great about America, which is film and laughter. We’ve always had the best sense of humor in the world — you hear that, England?”
We also have the best parties, at least if Miller, 35, is hosting them. The Silicon Valley actor shares his tips to ensure your holiday shindig goes off without a hitch.
1 ARRIVE IN STYLE. “Come out in a full-on sleigh. Or ride in on a reindeer. Important: Don’t get off the reindeer. ... When you’re having conversations, people don’t like people who are on their high horse. But (they) like people who are a little higher up on their reindeer.”
2 DON’T SKIMP ON DECORATIONS. “I cake the ceiling with mistletoe. There is no area in the home or outside on the trees where there is not mistletoe. So if you’re at my party and you’re not kissing, you’re not at my party.”
3 MAKE MARVIN GAYE OFF-LIMITS. “Have you heard the song Sexual Healing? I wouldn’t play that,” unless you’re looking for a holly, jolly hookup. “Outside of that, it’s open season” for the DJ.
4 CHAT UP THAT CO-WORKER YOU LIKE. Suppose “you have this crush on a girl in accounting and you never have the courage (to tell her). You have a couple of drinks, go up and say, ‘Hey, you look really beautiful.’ Why, on Monday, can’t it be OK that you say, ‘Hey, I must’ve been a little drunk — sorry I hit on you.’ And she’s like: ‘Yeah, don’t ever do it again. It’s not going to happen.’ ”
5 KNOW HOW TO MIX A STIFF DRINK. “Here’s the (recommended) percentage of rum to eggnog: 80/20. Just a little bit of cinnamon and enough nutmeg to make you hallucinate. That’s what the sailors used to do.”
6 DON’T OVERTHINK THE FOOD. “You need a Yule log and a ‘white trash’ buffet. That’s Frito pies, Twinkies, deep-fried Snickers. Give the people what they want, and give it to them carnival-style.”
7 STEER CLEAR OF CAKE AND BEER. “The two don’t go hand in hand — that’s why nobody ever does it. You have two slices of cake, three beers and you need to go home to either throw up or roll around your carpeted studio apartment to try to not throw up but still burn the calories to get through this terrible situation.”
8 GO HARD OR GO HOME. “It’s one end of the spectrum or the other. Keep it in moderation and go for the long game, which I always recommend. You want to be there when everybody’s starting to leave so you know where the party’s going to head to. Or black out by 6:45 p.m. You want to be pants-down in the break room, covered in Cheerios or Pringles, depending on what’s available in the vending machine. You don’t go halfway. Uh-uh, no thanks, sister.”